"JEALOUSY"

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I wish that every chapter I wrote for this book was positive and uplifting to read. Unfortunately, that is not what this book is all about. It is not meant to be entertaining, or fun to read, although every now and again I do attempt a stab at humor (luckily I'm not there with you to see if it was successful or not, so I can always imagine that it was successful...hehe).

The point that I am trying to make is that some of these chapters are more difficult than others to write, and as a result might be more difficult to read, and jealousy happens to be one of them. When I start thinking about this subject there are so many nuances involved, that I am not sure I will be able to hit them all. I will do the best I can to hit the major problems brought about by this emotion.

As I was getting ready to sit in front of the computer tonight I was thinking about this subject, wondering where to begin. The beginning might surprise you, as it did me. I would like to start out by talking to you a moment about what your initial reactions might be to this chapter. All I have to offer you on this page are my words, which stem out of my conscious perceptions and those of my higher self. How you take them, or adapt them to your life, is totally up to each individual. What I want to say right here is that these words are meant for YOU. I find that sometimes when we read things that might strike close to home we tend to relate them to others, rather than to ourselves.

I cannot tell you how many people I have counseled who saw the effects of jealousy in their relationship, but used the rationale that this emotion was coming from the other person rather than themselves. It is easy to spot this emotion (as most other problems) in others. This is a totally normal human reaction, because we can look at the problems of others objectively, and without involvement. However, it is quite different to own the emotion and deal with it as our own personal problem.

All of the emotions that I am writing about are felt by each of us at sometime or another throughout our lives. Sometimes they are felt constantly, sometimes at certain stages in our lives, sometimes we deal with them and they appear to go away. I find that each time I am ready to start a new chapter one of these emotions pops up and hits me in the face. It is almost like a child in a classroom raising their hands crying pick me, pick me. I had earmarked this chapter to be on patience, but jealousy slapped me in the face and got my attention (I hate to be slapped). To stop getting beat up I thought it wise to sit down and write.

So, to begin this chapter I would like to say that these words deal with YOUR jealousy, rather than the jealousy of others. You cannot change the feelings of others, or control them. You can only control or change yourself. I know I have said this many times, and you will probably hear it many more times before I finish this book, but it bears repeating. I do this because we all feel that we can change the world, and a lot of us set about doing this by trying to change everyone in it. This causes problems, in and of itself, with any relationship. Change comes from within, not without. Use these words to affect a change in you, not so that you can point out the faults of someone else, but so that you can be in control of your emotions and your direction along the path.

Someday when we are all conversing without the confines of this body we will laugh at our idiosyncrasies while in it. However, that day has not arrived, and until it does we must take stock of ourselves and grow so that we can reach the oneness of all. This leads me back to the subject at hand, jealousy.

I guess the logical place to start here is at the beginning. I looked up the word jealousy in my thesaurus and got some interesting one word definitions. Here they are; jealousy - covetousness, envy, resentment, rivalry, mistrust, paranoia, suspicion, wariness, defensiveness, vigilance, watchfulness. The antonym for jealousy was selflessness and trust. I found this as interesting as the definition itself.

From reading all of these definitions it is hard for me to believe that as a young lady I felt that a boyfriend acting jealous was the ultimate form of flattery. Think about it when you were young, (or maybe even now that you are older) can you remember a time when a boyfriend or girlfriend acted out of jealousy and you were flattered. It made you feel like you were truly important to that person. The rationale behind this being that if this person was jealous then it must mean that really do care for you. I can remember feeling this way. I remember growing up (I am old remember...hehe) believing that the ultimate compliment a girl could be paid were for two boys to fight over her. I never went in for that myself, as I have always been of a nonviolent nature. However, I cannot discount the romanticism of men fighting over the love of a woman. I must admit it was never as exciting for two girls to be pulling each other's hair out and smearing ice-cream in each other's faces over the love of a boy.

To get a little more serious, I think you can see what I am getting at. Movies were made over this very concept, with Douglas Fairbanks (for those who can remember him) fighting many sword fights over the love of a woman. I guess in a way you can say that society has harbored and encouraged jealousy as a form of showing love and concern. Therefore, we have all grown up with a romantic view of jealousy, whether we were aware of it or not. A funny thing happens when you grow up believing that something is normal and accepted; you don't pay much attention to it one way or another. If we feel that it is normal and natural, then we also feel that it will take care of itself when it arises; naturally'.

We each carry jealousy around with us. Sometimes we mask it with other feelings, then give ourselves excuses for those feelings. Sometimes we deny our feelings completely, hoping that they will just go away. Other times, as illustrated above, we just accept it as part of life and let it happen, feeling that things will take care of themselves in the end if we just keep muddling along. There is no easy road to finding yourself, or learning to control your emotions.

As you can see from the above definition of jealousy it encompasses many feelings, with mistrust being the number one symptom. When I look at it I feel that it is like the proverbial question; which came first the chicken or the egg? Does jealousy spawn mistrust, or does mistrust spawn jealousy. This is a catch 22 situation, and I think that the answer has to be on an individual basis, and to each individual situation. See what comes first in your life.

For me, personally, I have found in my own life that mistrust, or lack of trust, is what has spawned jealousy. I find that the more I know a person, and trust them, the less jealousy will have a chance to surface. If a relationship starts to drift, and I feel that I don't know the person well anymore, then mistrust springs up and jealousy steps in.

In order for us to come to any kind of understanding, and ultimate control of this emotion, we need to get rid of the romantic garbage that has been fed to us all of our lives and realize that love and jealousy do not go hand in hand. In fact, if you re-read those definitions, you will find that the things that go hand and hand with jealousy have very little to do with love, but a whole lot to do with some other very unpleasant feelings.

If you are jealous of someone in a relationship, then you need to dig a little deeper. I think you will find that you don't truly trust that person. Once you dig to that level don't stop, keep going. Find out why you don't trust that person. Could it be that they have lied to you in the past, could it be that you don't feel they share their life with you or their feelings, or could it be that the two of you are just not relating to each other because of lack of commitment to the relationship?

If we do not have time for one another in our relationships it is most likely due to a lack of commitment to the other person, or perhaps lack of commitment to relationships in general. I have found out through the years (not only by experiences myself but through watching others) that we make time for all the things in our lives that we truly want.

For example, when I teach meditation classes I invariably have at least one student in each class that complains they don't have time to practice the meditation. When I ask if they watch television they have always said they do. I suggest that they take just half of the time they use to watch television, and use that as their time for meditation. It is funny to the whole class when this look of consternation comes to their face and they reply "I couldn't possibly meditate for that long". However, I think my favorite line is; "I couldn't possibly, because I use that time watching television to unwind and relax".....hehehe, still makes me chuckle thinking about it. I think you see the point.

We make time for the things that are important to us, and I would think that if we were having a problem with a relationship we wanted that would be at the top of our list.

I counsel a variety of people and many tell me their problems and ask for solutions. I give them material to read, in which they can find their own answers. Invariably I will hear back from some in about a week, still complaining and being confused. I ask if they have read the material I sent them, and they reply no, haven't had a chance to get to it yet', and then without losing a beat go on with their dissertation about all that is bothering them, and how they just can't find a way out.

You would be surprised, however, at how many of these same people go on year after year realizing the problems and doing nothing about them. It is almost like a soap opera of their lives, tune in next year at the same time and there will be the same problems with very slightly different sets of circumstances. I have talked to people that after 23 years, 32 years, 20 years, they are now getting a divorce. People say, well if they were together that long you would think they would remain together for life. The question is, were they ever really together?

Just because two people live in the same house, sleep in the same bed, share all of their possessions, and are physically "together" does not mean that they relate to each other at all. In fact, I have counseled some couples who said things to me that they had never said to each other before. I don't know about you but I can't imagine being able to tell someone I don't know things that I don't feel comfortable mentioning to the most important person in my life, with whom I share everything. This is very sad, but does explain why people drift apart.

As you can see, the first type of jealousy that we are going to talk about is that concerning relationships. There are many other forms of jealousy, however, so don't put this chapter down just because you don't happen to be in a relationship at the moment.

The jealousy between male and female goes back as far as the beginning of time. Most, but not all, jealousy between the two relates to sex. As a result, since most of us lose our sexual drive (don't get all upset I am not saying that older people don't want sex, only that it is no longer the focus of their life, and loses the priority it maintains while we are young and the hormones are all fired up) as we hit middle-age jealousy doesn't go away, it just mutates. You see, being jealous really comes down to trust. Sometimes we have to peel the many disguises off of this emotion, almost as though we were peeling an artichoke, to get to the heart of the problem. Now jealousy takes on a different form, and the mutation can be endless.

Jealousy is a fear, an insecurity. If it is not faced and dealt with, it will just take on another form. As you eliminate each symptom, another will appear apparently out of nowhere. You might ask yourself what is she talking about; let me see if I can explain it a little clearer. If you are jealous because you are afraid your husband is having an affair, and he becomes totally impotent; then the jealousy should dissolve; right...wrong. One symptom has now been eliminated. Say that your husband wants to go out after work each night with his fellow workers to have a drink and unwind. The fear of an affair is gone, but the jealousy remains. You see it has taken another form. The husband feels that the wife is jealous because he has friends, and SHE just doesn't understand. The wife feels that he doesn't want to spend time with her, and prefers the company of his friends, and HE doesn't understand. In actuality they are both right.

However, even these outward signs are not the heart of the matter. Usually somewhere along the way the lines of communication have come down. By this time the two probably aren't truly relating to each other. The husband has long ago given up trying to explain his feelings or even discuss them, partly because they are painful, and he truly doesn't want to think about them, and partly because he is sure that his wife won't understand. He is probably also arguing a lot with his wife by this time, and he is not going to give her ammunition to use against him in one of these fights by revealing his innermost feelings (if he even understands these feelings).

By this time the wife has stopped communicating, other than the occasional sarcastic remark because she feels that he has stopped listening to her. As far as she is concerned it would be a waste of time to continue trying to communicate with someone who is noncommunicative. Her feelings of jealousy aren't just because he prefers the company of his friends over hers', but perhaps because he can communicate with his friends and not with her. She feels that they know him better than she does, even though they live together and are supposed to be sharing their lives together. I realize that I am writing this from a female perspective, because let's face it I am female. However, I have tried to be fair in this and see the male perspective also. It is harder since I haven't walked a mile in their shoes during this lifetime, but I can see things objectively with the people that I counsel, and most of the time this seems to be the main problem in any relationship, lack of communication.

Of course, there are people who talk to each other all the time, but they aren't truly talking with each other, but at each other. I talk with people all the time without having any type of meaningful conversation. If I go to the grocery store the clerk asks "how are you today?". They don't really want to know, this is just polite conversation. If you really tell them how you are they get this glazed over look on their face and don't know how to answer. You see the stock answer is fine' and that is what is expected. Sometimes in our relationships we fall into the same type of trap. "How was your day?" Fine, how was yours?

There is an intimacy in a relationship that brings two people closer than sex (for those of you who are very young I know you will oppose this, but give it 20 years before you make the call) and that is communication. Most women will tell you that the cuddling before and after sex is as important to them as the act itself. This is a form of intimacy. It is something shared that you aren't sharing with anyone else (at least theoretically..hehehe, but that is a whole other problem we won't discuss here).

When I am talking about verbal communication I am not speaking of "how's the weather?" and "what about those cowboys?", but a true exchange of feelings and perceptions. Letting your guard down, and talking about the things that are really important to you. Getting someone elses' opinion on a problem, and truly listening to their advice. Supporting the other person through a crisis without judgement, but with love. This is the true intimacy of a relationship. This is the glue that binds mankind together. This is the sharing that counts. When this type of sharing is done, all of the other symptoms just melt away. You now know this person. You understand them and trust them. You can't help but trust someone that you truly understand. This person can't lie to you or deceive you, because you have looked into their soul and know them. When this happens there is no room for jealousy, mistrust, paranoia or any other feeling. It does not mean that there won't be a time that you won't disagree or argue with them, but the other feelings won't come into play.

I know all about mistrust. I have been married twice. My first marriage was when I was 19 years old. I was young and foolish. I was swept off my feet by an older man (7 years which was quite a difference at the age of 19) and fell hopelessly in love'. We knew each other for one month, and were married. After the marriage things changed. He wasn't as attentive as he had been. I got pregnant right away, and almost immediately found out that I couldn't trust him.

My jealousy knew no bounds, which isn't to say that it wasn't warranted. The man was cheating on me, there was no doubt about that, and I reacted to it the way any 19 year old would. Being psychic in this instance really didn't help, because I knew when he was cheating, just didn't have any physical evidence to prove it. I started going to work with him (he was a construction worker so this was fairly easy) and helping him on the job. I didn't let him go anywhere alone. I guess I was basically his jailer, although looking back on it now I was the one in jail. I was determined to make the marriage work.

In those days no one got divorced, and my family didn't believe in divorce. Being pregnant with my first child held me to him also. I did not want my child being born and raised without a father, because in those days there was a definite stigma attached to this. Add to this that I was determined to make it work because my grandmother was totally against my marriage, and had predicted that it would never work. At that time in my life I would have done just about anything to prove her wrong and not hear an "I told you so".

I will not bore you with all the sorted details, but I will tell you that I made my life a living hell. At one point I even contemplated suicide (although I realize now that it was only a desperate move to gain attention, and try to effect a change in his behavior). I didn't go through with it because I am a survivor. Even then in my over-emotional state I knew that it was all a game.

I only tell you all this so that you can better understand where I am coming from. Lots of times people read the books that others write and think that the author for one reason or another has led a sheltered life in an ivory tower, and that they couldn't possibly know what the real' world is truly like. I think part of this is due to the movies and the picture-perfect world movie makers are able to paint' on even the true' stories. A book, in reality is a movie that is playing in our minds as we read the words. It is actually better than the movies, in that we are able to use our imagination and put everything exactly where we want it, and how we want it. Living the words are quite a different matter, and when one is in the middle of a situation there is usually a feeling of no control. Of course, we are the ones who have relinquished control, but when one is in an emotional state that fact is usually the last to be acknowledged.

Well, I can assure you that this writer has lived in the real' world and made her share of major mistakes. The reason I can write about all these things is because I have lived through them all. Even though I am not proud of all of the things I have done, if writing about the lessons can help just one person and stop them from having to suffer the pain I endured, then revealing my major mistakes in print will be worth it.

As I look back I can see that my jealousy helped nothing. My husband found it amusing and flattering at first, but as time wore on it drove us further apart rather than bringing us closer together. The jealousy made me miserable, accomplished absolutely nothing positive (other than the lesson of my emotions being out of control), but did manage to push us even further apart. I was out of control by this time, however, and I could not have stopped what was happening, no matter how hard I tried. It was like a snowball rolling down hill, and I felt like I was caught up in the middle of it with absolutely no control over the direction or velocity of the fall.

As this snowball was plummeting down the mountain it was picking up many hitch-hikers along the way; the paranoia the dictionary was talking about along with mistrust, suspicion, resentment...in fact almost all of the very things that the dictionary listed. Each feeling fed off of the other. By this time it didn't truly matter what my husband was doing, because I had a whole line of things going through my head. Since this was my own private movie showing there was no one there to change the reel or turn off the machine and say "go home, it is a fantasy, and now the movie is over". I had to do this for myself. I had to decide where my cutoff point was, and how much I was going to take, not only from him, but from myself. I was the only one capable of changing the reel. I could not change him, but I could change what I had become, and how I dealt with my life.

Jealousy was not the only thing that caused my marriage to end in divorce, although it was a major contributor from the beginning. It caused me much pain and gave pain to others. After awhile a person either gets out of the relationship, or goes into a state of denial. I went into a state of denial and refused to acknowledge what was going on, even when friends tried to tell me. I lost friendships rather than lose my husband, which happened in the end anyway.

I didn't tell you all of these things for sympathy. In fact, I require no sympathy. I wouldn't trade what I learned in those years for years full of happiness and boredom. I needed to go through these life experiences, but I do wish I could have found the answers out easier by reading about someone elses' experiences and being able to relate. I have not ever seemed to do things the easy way throughout my life, maybe because I am hard headed...hehe.

The point of this story is, there is a way out. You cannot change the actions of your partner in the relationship, but you can change yourself (many times by changing your actions you change the actions of others, because they treat you differently as a result of your new perspective). However, don't change for this reason; as it is only a bonus when it happens. I cannot think of one positive thing jealousy does for us.

Some say jealousy will straighten out the other person and make them appreciate what they have by instilling the fear of losing it. I don't agree. It may seem to make a difference for a short while, but in the end if more attention is not given to the relationship, and changes are not starting from within, then it was like taking an aspirin for a severe headache. It works for four hours, but when the four hours are up the headache is back. You might be able to get rid of the headache by taking more aspirin, but what about when you run out. You say I can buy more aspirin; yes, but if you continue to take the aspirin in large doses it is going to affect other organs in your body, and cause you pain in other places. Then there is the approach that some use, such as ignoring the headache by making themselves busy with other things. The mind doesn't have time to register the headache if we keep it occupied with other things. Are you beginning to see how everything is related?

Jealousy leads to all the feelings listed in the definition and more. One of the things I have found to be true in my own life is, whenever jealousy comes around it is instigated by a lack of trust. The lack of trust can ruin a relationship faster than anything, because it hits on all three planes. It also hits on every aspect of your life. If I don't trust my husband than, not only am I afraid that he is cheating on me physically, but I feel that he is being secretive and holding out his true feelings from me. A little while of living this way, and you tend to wake up next to a complete stranger, wondering why you got involved in the relationship to begin with.

Some people just keep going along in a state of denial, sure that somewhere along the way things will change. Some people will give the excuse of a mid-life crisis, seven year itch, etc. Call it anything you like, and put any name to it, but if the underlying problem is not identified and dealt with, it will be back. For me the worst part was not the cheating, but realizing that I no longer had someone to share my feelings with, and who was sharing their feelings with me. It feels like each of you have your own agenda, rather than this being a relationship where each supports the other. It is now one of war, whether silent or all out in the open. Each word spoken is dissected and stored, to later be analyzed for any underlying clues, which will lead to evidence of infidelity. You might laugh at this, but there are detectives that make a living out of following spouses and significant others'.

Have you ever been tempted to go through your partner's wallet or handbag? Have you ever looked through pockets or read the matchbook covers? Have you ever listened in on someone's telephone conversation? These things may start out with innocent curiosity on your part (at least that is what you have told yourself), but there is always an underlying reason that needs to be examined.

We all change, and sometimes we don't change at the same time, or understand the change in the other person. If the lines of communication are kept open, then the intimacy and feeling of togetherness can be nurtured. When the intimacy is nurtured, then we can look at and encourage the change, even making some changes ourselves to keep the relationship healthy.

What I am trying to say is, jealousy is not a healthy emotion to feed a relationship. Strip it away from all romantic notions that you have been fed, and look at it in the stark light of reality. It does not nurture or encourage a relationship into growth. It feeds egos for a time, this is true, but in the end it destroys a relationship. If it is allowed to grow it will be fed, and feed, on all of the other feelings that we have mentioned. This can be stopped, but only by you.

When I say these words I want you to remember, however, that they are for you. They are not for you to throw at your partner, pointing out the changes they' need to make. If you realize that your partner in a relationship is jealous, then it is as much your problem as it is theirs'. Not only are you responsible for your share of the problem, but if you are honest with yourself and look carefully, you will find out some remarkable things. In some way you have fed into this situation. I am not saying that you are completely responsible, but you are responsible for your share, and you are definitely responsible for not alleviating the problem if you know it exists. Look carefully into your own heart as to why you haven't addressed, and gotten rid of the problem before now. Could it be that your ego has enjoyed being fed by someone who clung to you, and followed you around because of their jealousy? Could it be that this is the measuring stick you have been using to gauge how much the other person cares for you?

If there is jealousy on the part of your partner, there is a reason it is there. You might say that it is in the imagination of the other person. If it is in the other person's imagination, then it is real' to them, and as such you need to address it. Living with it, denying it or ignoring it, does not eliminate it. In fact, by doing all of those things, in reality, you are nurturing it. If you continue to nurture it you will be surprised someday at the tiniest trigger that causes it to explode, and start that snowball effect, which is very difficult to stop once put into action. Not addressing this emotion can, at the very least, hurt and ruin a relationship, given enough time. In the worst case scenarios it has caused many partners to end the life of their mate. If you doubt this, look at the statistics on how many are sitting in jail cells right this moment over fits of jealous rage, which ended in the death or serious injury of another.

This, of course, is the extreme. However, any amount of discomfort in a relationship over this emotion is totally unnecessary. I am not saying that it won't pop up occasionally, no matter how hard we try to suppress it. This is where control comes in. By taking it out, keeping the lines of communication open and finding out what the real problem is, we can nip it in the bud. This will also bring two people closer together, and increase the trust factor, which is stronger than super glue.

Some couples tell me that their mate just does not want them to go out with their friends and have a life away from them. If this is the case, it is because of an underlying problem or insecurity. Helping the other person see that you need some space, and assuring them of their importance in your life can work wonders. Paying attention to them when you are with them, and encouraging them to have other interests of their own can lead to greater understanding and closeness.

On the other hand, I have seen people up close and personal, who didn't really want their mate to have a life of their own. They wanted to hang out with their friends, and wanted the mate waiting for them when they got home. These same people don't seem to like it when the mate does actually find other interests and pursues them. As you can see, it is important to know yourself. It is important to know what you want, because if you start working toward what you think you want you are going to get it, and then where would you be?

Most importantly, I don't want you to think that all of these things don't take work, because it not only takes work but consistency. It is a never ending process, which sometimes gets harder rather than easier after you have been together for a long period of time. Once people get comfortable with each other they tend to take each other for granted.

I have found the thing that works wonders in my own relationship is having quality time together. This is not time in front of the television, or at the show, but time where we can talk one on one and relate to each other. Talking for some people is hard, but find the common bond that holds you together, and start there. There is another person in the relationship with you, and as such they have already made a commitment to you They accept you for who you are, (and whether you realize it or not who you are comes out one way or another through everyday life) so talking should be easy or at the very least familiar. You don't have to put up a front, or pretend, but can be yourself. This can bring two people closer together than anything else I know.

Let's look at jealousy that can affect other relationships. I can't tell you how many countless mother-in-law stories I have been told (and frankly I have a few of my own...hehe). The bottom line to most of these stories comes directly back to jealousy. The mother who has raised the child to adulthood is now afraid that some stranger has come in and taken over their place in the child's heart that they once had. You might snicker at this, but I can't even begin to guess at how many arguments have taken place over this type of jealousy. The funny part is that it can go on for years and years, without anyone ever actually addressing the real problem, but rather addressing every little petty issue that arises.

You say; what is the answer to this?, I can't change everyone's feelings. This is true, but you can act rather than react to each situation. You can talk to the people involved, pointing out the obvious (which is usually what no one is talking about). When you relate to people differently, then they will change, but the change has to come from within first. I have found that most husbands ignore the problem, because they feel trapped in the middle between the wife and the mother. Sometimes I think the real truth is that on some level they enjoy the battle that goes on, because they feel loved and cared for by both of the most important women in their lives. This is the attitude that has to change first, because whether it is realized or not, this is what is feeding the jealousy at the root. Let's face it, if we cut the root off from nourishment, then the plant will die (in this case the problem).

The same holds true for a father-in-law, but I must admit that this does not seem to be as large a problem. However, this does hold true for all relationships with family where jealousy is involved.

I think that you will remember in the definition the word rivalry. I am also as sure that you have heard the term more than once sibling rivalry'. What is sibling rivalry' if it isn't jealousy? This is not an isolated condition, but rather one that goes on in each family with more than one child. Whole books have been dedicated to this condition. Families rarely deal with it, due to other more pressing problems, and as a result it grows with us into adulthood. Sometimes the problem didn't even truly start out with the sibling, but rather with how the sibling was perceived by the parent.

My brother and I didn't get along from day one. We fought like cats and dogs, both verbally and physically. This did not go away when we reached adulthood (although the physical fighting did). We dealt with it by not speaking to each other. It took me many years to understand all of my feelings, and realize that I truly did not hate him, as I thought during childhood. You might say, well that should have come naturally as you grew-up. However, it did not come naturally, and had to be worked out on my part. Anger, jealousy and hatred don't just "go" away. If you don't feel them it is because they are being stored away in a drawer, just waiting to be opened by a casual remark, or some little reminder of the person to which they are aimed.

I also came to the realization that most of my feelings of animosity towards my brother had very little to do with his personality (although this didn't help), but were caused by my parents, and the way they treated him, as opposed to the way they treated me. When I was growing up boys were treated differently than girls (I am hoping that this has changed over the years). That is the way it was, and no one seemed to question it. Whenever I asked why I couldn't do what my brother was doing; the reply was always because you're a girl and he's a boy'. Well, you either grow up hating that you are a girl, or hating that he is a boy. I chose to hate that he was a boy.

I am sure that my parents did not realize consciously what damage they were inflicting on my relationship with my brother, or that they were the ones feeding our feelings toward each other. I cannot change anything that happened in the past, but I can learn from it, examine it, and treat my children differently. I did, and as a result have a boy and a girl (isn't that ironic) that truly love each other and are supportive of each other. People are always amazed at how well they get along. I am not, because I learned from the mistakes my parents made, (and even though I am sure that I made different mistakes of my own because we all do)and didn't duplicate them.

You can't change what you felt about your siblings growing up, but you can examine your feelings and change the way you feel now accordingly. You can also not make the same mistakes with others that were made with you. You see, if there was sibling rivalry growing up it hasn't gone away. It is there, unless you have taken it out and dealt with it. It is just lurking in the background, waiting to come forward when the right button is pushed. Only you have the ability to diffuse the bomb. You might not be able to change the way your sibling feels, but you can change the way you feel, and the way you act' towards them, rather than react to them as you have probably done most of your life.

All of this deals with taking responsibility for yourself, and your actions, and not allowing your actions to be dependent on someone else's reactions. The only person you have to deal with in this world is yourself, all other dealings are just illusion. The only person you have to be able to live with in this world is yourself, because you cannot escape your thoughts, actions or deep dark hidden secrets. Those jealousies that you have shared with no one else, maybe even some that you haven't tagged a name to yet, are with you until YOU do something about it. You may have even tagged a different name to them, so that they would stay well hidden.

We have all gone down this road before. I wouldn't have gotten jealous if..... (each of us can fill in our own blank) hadn't driven me to it. The real culprit here lies not with another person, but with ourselves. When we have gotten a grip on who we are, and what we are all about, then no one else will have the ability to push our button and cause these reactions in us. This does not mean that you won't feel jealousy from time to time, but you can now reason with it and put it where it belongs, by getting to the deeper problem.

When we deal with issues, rather than emotions, we are only skirting the real problem. We tend to bury things even deeper by getting stuck on these issues, and the attitudes they bring forth. For instance, the argument may have started over your jealousy, but before it is finished things will probably be brought up that have absolutely nothing to do with the issue. Past hurts, past words said in anger, and the list goes on and on. These things will not go away by themselves, but each emotion must be dealt with by the person feeling the emotion. Once we have dealt with the emotion, and brought it under control, then we are ready to express our opinions to the other person in the relationship. Only then can real change occur. Always remember that you cannot change that other person, but by looking at the situation and dealing with your feelings honestly, and without emotional involvement, you will be able to make crucial decisions, which are clear-cut and intelligent. This is going to change your perspective and the way you "act", which will ultimately change the way the other person acts towards you.

If you doubt any of this, just think back to how many times your friends have come to you with their problems and how easily you could see the answer for them, but they couldn't seem to grasp it. That is because you were able to look at the situation objectively, without their emotional involvement. If they had been able to look at the situation the same way, then they would have been able to come to their own conclusions without outside help.

Jealousies do not just happen with siblings and male/female relationships, however. There are jealousies between spouses over children. Sometimes parents don't even realize they are doing this, or involving the children in this game'. It can lead to an unhappy childhood and grave emotional damage being done to the child, because of the love that is felt for both parents. Today, unfortunately, there is more cause for this kind of jealousy than ever before.

When I was growing up (no I didn't walk five miles to school in the snow, although I believed my dad did until I found out there was no snow in California where we lived.....hmmmm) the biggest problem that seemed to arise in a family was parents showing prejudice to one child or another. In our family my mother was partial to my brother and my father partial to me. I grew up thinking that my mother didn't love me as much as she did my brother. I learned in later life that the problem didn't lie with me, but with my mother. It was a big deal with my family to have boys to carry on the family name. My mother's brother had died as an infant, something that her mother had never totally gotten over. As a result when my brother was born, (he was the first male grandchild) everyone was thrilled. They found out before long that he had a heart condition, a murmur. Nowadays it is quite common in newborns, and most have surgery to repair this tiny hole without complications, with the surgery being pretty standard. However, 46 years ago it was quite a different story. They didn't have open heart surgery back then, and things were looked at on a wait and see basis. They told my mother to watch him closely, and advised her that he probably wouldn't live.

Naturally my mother was concerned, and as a result of this information totally insulated him, not even allowing him to walk places or play outside. This wasn't her imagination, when he walked across the room you could hear the murmur very audibly. However, as what happens to most children as they grow, the hole closed up on its own. No one bothered to tell my mother this, (frankly that long ago the doctors probably didn't know themselves) and she spent most of his childhood worrying about him and protecting him.

Of course, the reality of the situation was that my brother was fine and very active physically. My mother didn't know it, but he used to climb up on the roof of our house and jump off (superman was big in those days).

Due to the lack of males in the family (my aunt lost the only other male grandchild born when he was 24 hours old) my brother was always doted on hand and foot. I, of course, was jealous and angry. I started hating my brother, because I couldn't hate my parents, and I couldn't understand what was going on. All of the situations didn't add up. I got good grades, worked hard, did everything I was told, yet he was the one who got all the attention. When my mother was paying me $2 for every A, she was paying my brother $5 for every C and $2 for every D. The whole thing is rather comical now as I look back, but at the time it was very real to me.

I felt that somehow there must be something wrong with me. It caused terrible fighting between myself and my brother. At the age of 13 I moved in with my grandmother to expressly get away from him. The adults didn't view it this way, because as was our family tradition the older people were taken care of by the younger. When my grandmother and grandfather got too old to be left alone someone had to live with them in case they fell and needed help.

This should in no way indicate that my grandmother was feeble, believe me that is the furthermost thing from the truth. However, it was not safe for them to be alone since there were no portable phones at that time and no way for them to call for help if something should happen (still hadn't invented the "I've fallen down and I can't get up buttons). I, of course, jumped at the chance because it meant that I didn't have to see my brother. Boy was I wrong. He came by my grandmother's for coffee every morning, and I had to see him before I went to school. Guess that lesson wasn't going to go away until I learned it?

I only share this walk down memory lane to show that we all go through things in our lives that seem unfair. I had lessons to learn, even as a child, that weren't going to go away until I learned them. Today I don't hate my brother and understand what he went through. They wronged him in their actions as much, if not more, than they did me. I learned to be self-sufficient and work for everything I got. He learned that things would just be given to him if he demanded them. He was not prepared for the real' world anymore than I was by these teachings.

This is not to say that we can't all overcome what is done to us by our parents, environment, or circumstances, because obviously from this story we can. What I am trying to say is that each of us should be aware and watch how we treat our own children. No two children are alike, and for anyone to tell you to treat all children the same is not very realistic. However, by giving attention to each child individually and praising their accomplishments, even if it is something that you personally can't relate to, will help save them from added garbage to work through in their adult life. You needn't worry, they will still have many issues of their own, but maybe they will be able to get through these issues quicker if they aren't blaming you for all their problems.

I have found through raising two children of my own that if I nurture each of them separately it stimulates the best growing environment. Neither of our children are jealous of each other, however, I have noticed that if anyone tries to consider themselves as part of the family' there is an immediate jealousy that arises. I don't ignore this, but sit down and discuss it with them, and we usually end up laughing over it. I have found that laughter is truly the best medicine, especially when we start to take ourselves too seriously.

If you are looking for these jealousies you will be able to diffuse a volatile situation. When two children are fighting in a family it can cause disruption and disharmony to the entire family. Jealousy is the main culprit for these fights, and once it can be isolated and dealt with, then it can be resolved. Be careful not to allow yourself to be dragged into any issue. These things are all a matter of perspective, and you can spend days trying to sort out your feelings on the different you said this' no I didn't but you said that' issues. Dig deeper than the words and the blatant feelings of emotion. Dig down to what the real problem is. It isn't always pleasant digging; sometimes it is muddy and the root you are trying to expose keeps slipping out of sight, but once you grab hold of it and expose it to the light, then cutting it out and tossing it will be much simpler.

Let's go back to the children for a minute. When I was growing up if there was a child in the class without both parents they were considered odd. Now, however, it seems that if there is a child in the class with two parents that live together, this is much odder. This is a statement of the times, and as such we must adapt. What happens to the child? The child loves both parents and doesn't want to show disloyalty to either of them, but invariably it comes down to a tug-of-war for the child's affection. What is causing this tug-of-war, not love for the child that is for sure. Jealousy is also at the root of this one, along with unresolved issues with the old relationship. I don't think I need say more about this, other than let love be your guide, and don't allow jealousy over an absent spouse to dump more problems into the lap of a child, who already has more than they can handle.

We have now covered a few of the many parts of your life where jealousy can have a definite and profound impact. Let's look for a minute at the work place. Jealousy rears it's old ugly head up around here a lot. I have worked at various places during this lifetime; from blue collar jobs as a teenager to white collar professional jobs as an adult, and anywhere in-between depending on the circumstances. The one thing I found at every job site was jealousy.

Now you may say, oh you were carrying it around with you then. No, I was introduced to the jealousy at the same time I was introduced to the various jobs. It could range from job to job, but entailed basically the same thing; which is people being unhappy with themselves, their jobs, and looking for someone else to put their focus on rather than deal with the circumstances.

When I first started working in the white collar industry and landed my first personal secretary job I was ecstatic. I was 18 years old, idealistic, good at what I did and very attractive (did I mention young????...hehehe). I was put in with the older personal secretaries and we were clustered in a certain area, each with her own private boss, so our jobs were not interconnected whatsoever. We each had different duties to perform according to the position our particular boss held.

I am laying all this out to point out that the jealousy here could not possibly range as to doing each other's duties, or as to procedures. No two jobs were the same, and the only boss' was the one each secretary had to work for, along with a general office manager, who stayed out of things unless there was a problem.

This did not stop the jealousy to form and spread in the way of rumors, innuendos and gossip. I had never been thrown in with older women before and was not aware of how vicious things could get so quick. It didn't take me long to learn that you kept your mouth shut, did your work, and tried to be a wallflower so that they and their mouths would ignore you. I was hurt, and resented these women for their vicious rumors and lies. I couldn't understand why they were acting this way towards me. I was used to being liked, and realized very quickly that these women did not like me, and I truly could not understand why.

I understand now, and feel sorry for them. I was young, (stupid, because you don't realize when you are young that some people might envy that, especially if you have a position that is equal to theirs', with the same salary, yet you are 30 years their junior). I was able to buy new clothes each week, because I still lived at home and had no expenses. These women worked to make a living and support their families, on little more than what I was making. They couldn't afford to buy new clothes whenever they wanted, and were jealous that I could.

I had just finished high school the year before and was able to take shorthand very fast and type very fast. Their skills weren't up to the same speed, because their jobs didn't require as much, so they didn't get in as much practice. Also, the shorthand they had learned was antiquated (I know this sounds funny now, especially since the art of taking shorthand is virtually dead) and mine had more abbreviations and shortcuts. The bosses (which were all male) looked at me, and treated me, differently than they did them, because of my youth and physical appearance. I didn't even notice, but they did.

As a result of all these things, and I am sure more that I can't even begin to fathom, these women spent all of their spare time trying to make my life miserable. I was not their only target, but sometimes it felt like I was.

The point of all this is that they spent their time and energy making their own lives miserable. For what? I learned to ignore them and do my own thing, and they went on with their gossip and schemes. In the end no one benefited. It didn't get them a raise in pay, or a better position. It didn't make me any less a person, or stop me from buying new clothes. All it did was bring resentment and mistrust into the work place. Most people don't truly like going to work anyway. Even the person that tells you they love their jobs has days when they just would rather be at home. Why make things tougher?

I don't know what your personal situation is, but I can almost bet that no matter where you work, or what your position is, you deal with jealousy in the work place every day of the week. You might not have put an emotion to it, but might just be looking at the issues as they arise, rather than the root.

You cannot stop someone from being jealous. Once again you can only control your own emotions. However, you can treat that person differently, if you understand that they are jealous. You can start by looking at your situation through their perspective. Just by understanding, and showing compassion and love, we can turn the entire situation around. Understand that you are not alone in this, but that all of humanity joins you in this problem. Look for the lesson that needs to be taught, learn it, and then move on.

It will make your work environment a much nicer place to be in, even though let's face it, most of us would rather be home not having to do anything but what we want with no one to tell us what to do. Of course, there are problems even with these circumstances, although there isn't anyone else in this particular workplace to be jealous. However, there is the jealous family that comes home to one who works in the home and wishes that they could stay home. You see, no environment is totally free from jealousy of some sort or another. This must then be a very strong emotion in us all, as it is universal.

Emotions are a common denominator among men and women. They know no boundaries of age, sex, race, religious affiliation or any other fence that we may choose to put up around ourselves. They show us, more than anything else can, how much alike we all really are, and how interconnected we are. Jealousy is one emotion that we rarely talk about, and that could be because subconsciously we know how strong it really is, and are afraid to acknowledge it.

Oops, there comes that word fear again. Isn't it odd that fear is never associated with a positive feeling or emotion, have you ever asked yourself why? It is better to know just what grip this emotion has on us, and then we can deal with it and shake it loose. We won't ever expel it, and I don't know that we would really want to, but it can be controlled through acknowledgment, understanding and love. There is a bright side to all of this, and that is the feeling of being in control of yourself, knowing that no matter what someone throws your way you are capable of handling it. This won't come in every situation, but if it doesn't it usually means that there is a lesson to be learned. When it does come you will know it, because the feeling is wonderful.

Let's look at the jealousy between friends. This can be demonstrated in several different circumstances. This one can also be a bit harder to recognize, because once again we tend to get caught in the situation and deal with the issue at hand, rather than looking for the underlying cause. How many of us have competed with our friends, and been happy when our friends won? Be honest, no one here to impress. How many of us have been happy when our friends had a stroke of luck'; such as winning the lotto, a car, or found a terrific relationship, when our own love life sucked or was virtually nonexistent? How many have been happy when their friends were going on with their lives, and accomplishing the things that you feel you should be accomplishing in your life, but aren't?

If you said I have' to all of these questions, then you are an extraordinary person, who is catatonic and doesn't truly live on this planet. Either that or get off the Valium, it dulls the brain.....hehehe. We have all at one time or another felt guilty (that is a whole other chapter) for these feelings. We have felt that we weren't really good friends to the person because we couldn't really feel the joy that we knew we should be feeling for them. Nonsense, you are a good person. The problem is that we haven't looked into our own motivation.

You see, when people tell the stories of their lives, instead of listening to what they are saying and how it affects their lives, we are always immediately looking as to how it affects our own lives. This may sound strange, but it is one of those human conditions that is inherent. It is like having a conversation with someone. They think you are hanging on their every word, when in reality you are comparing it to events and experiences that have occurred in your own life (unless you are vegging out and not listening at all, but daydreaming). This is good, in that it is a way for us to understand what the other person is going through, and be able to relate to them through their experience. Think about it for a minute. It is hard to relate to someone complaining of diphtheria if we have no idea what the disease is, and can't relate to it in our own lives.

Isn't it ironic that with so much thought and worry going into what other's think, the reality is that people are really only thinking about themselves, and how what you say relates to their lives most of the time. It puts a different perspective over caring about what other's think of you, doesn't it?

If you need any examples of the jealousy friendship can cause, and its universal impact, just turn on the old television set. Almost any night of the week you can tune into a sitcom about the very types of situations I have been talking about. It is a part of life, but unfortunately a part we try to ignore, or bury, because it is difficult and painful to deal with.

Some people carry jealousy to a rare form when they are jealous of children or animals. Oh, let's not point fingers now and say, not me uh..uh..never. Husbands and wives get jealous of the attention that newborns get. Oh yes, women are just as susceptible to this as men. Let's face it girls, how many of us have given birth, labored for hours in great torment and pain only to have all the attention lavished on the baby, and none on us or the miracle our bodies accomplished? If you guys want to relate to this pain just take your bottom lip and pull it up over your head, then you'll understand....hehe.

Once that baby is brought home and the mother is spending all of her time taking care of the baby; her husband gets to feeling jealous, because all of a sudden he is not the center of attention in her world. These are all small problems that usually work themselves out with love and consideration shown on both sides. As far as the mother goes, usually once the hormones left over from giving birth have calmed down, all we feel is an intense pride in our child. However, if we can look at these things as they happen they can spare us a lot of misery and grief, not to mention foolish arguments.

The jealousy over pets is quite another subject, that I just want to touch on. I don't want letters or reasons why this is such a problem, with long drawn out explanations of how the pet is more loved than you are. Look at this rationally. The pet doesn't talk back, is unconditionally accepting, gives undivided attention whenever asked, demands nothing, accepts anything and never ridicules or argues with you. Who can possibly compete with that (come on lighten up and see the humor and truth in this). The other person responds to this, as it causes them to give as much or as little as they choose, when they choose, with no demands or conditions being set down by the other party in return. This can be a dangerous mode to put yourself in, and even though it is a place of refuge that people generally go to when they are hurt by a relationship, or recovering from a loss of a relationship, it is not one that you want to remain in for very long. It causes a breakdown in human companionship, and the longer one is away from that human interaction the harder it is to come back to it.

It is a comfortable place, where the other party in the relationship expects nothing and is thrilled at whatever you are willing to give. There is no criticism, and you are always a wonderful person as far as the pet is concerned. Of course, sometimes I think if we knew what the pet was thinking we might be surprised....

The jealousy between children is created by the parents and the system we currently live under. In our society we stress competition with the belief that it causes one to exceed in achievement. Don't laugh this one off, because your children may need your help dealing with this. It is a serious problem. Jealousy has caused children to be killed over a pair of shoes. Stealing the shoes was the crime, but jealousy was the motive, and the result was death. This is extreme, but so is the emotion, so don't ever underestimate it, just prepare your children for coping with it on an day to day basis. Whether you want to admit it, or ignore it, has little impact on making it either go away or come back. Deal with it, and set an example for your children as to how they should deal with it.

Think for a minute about the pressure our children are under in school to achieve and be successful. It used to be when I went to school that you competed against yourself, trying to top your personal best. Now it is competition not only among your class, school, but other schools and districts as well. You don't even have to be in sports or other extracurricular activities to be exposed to this competition. It can come about through the tests that your children take at school, as everything is measured and compared.

Jealousy has become so serious that many school districts are coping with it by going back to the old school uniform policy. Is this a good idea? It is a temporary solution, however, if our children do not learn to deal with jealousy and control it when they are young are they going to automatically have a handle on it when they are older? Aren't we just pushing the problem under the rug and putting a Band-Aid on their feelings to make it appear as if there is no cut. The wound is there, and it is festering within, whether we can view it or not. No amount of Band-Aids are going to make it go away. Sometimes it takes putting antiseptic on it, which can burn, to clean it out and allow healing to take place. As any parent knows; it is better to burn for a second from the antiseptic, then to have a festering sore that hurts and takes a long time to heal, if it ever heals.

This is not up to the schools, but up to us as parents to deal with the emotional needs of our children. First we must deal with our own emotional baggage, so that when we speak to our children they don't laugh in our faces. Kids are very sharp, and if you talk the talk, but don't walk the walk, they will nail you every time.

Work with your kids on this problem. Think back to when you were their age. Unless you were one of those cheerleaders, or star football players that everyone envied, you had your share of jealousies (I am sure that the cheerleaders and star football players had their share of jealousy, but can't say from first hand experience...). I have talked to adults who can't remember what they ate for dinner last week, but can remember 20 years ago who had the best date for the prom, nicest dress, and a myriad of other school' memories that usually deal at least partially with jealousy. Some of these jealousies were never resolved, but still linger.

Some jealousies may seem silly, and not worth spending time thinking about. However, what may be silly to you, may be serious to someone else. We need to work on jealousies within ourselves, however, if we understand jealousy we can look for it as a motive behind the behavior of others. When we understand the cause behind the behavior of others it helps us to relate better, which in turn helps us to act rather than react.

Instead of putting ourselves in the center of everything, we learn to understand that others are not operating under the same perceptions we are operating under. As such, by understanding where they are coming from' will show us where they are going, which in turn teaches us to act toward the person, rather than react to their reality. This may seem confusing, but all I am basically saying is that; if we understand that someone elses' problem is their problem and not ours, we can help them, rather than be angry with them. I have found that a kind word has a much greater affect on people than screaming and becoming angry. I also realize how difficult it is to speak a kind word to someone that seems to be attacking and demeaning toward us.

When someone treats us unkindly, and perhaps unfairly, rather than reacting to their actions we can look beyond it and see what the root cause is. Many times that root cause is jealousy, bred from their own insecurity, which comes from within. When we react to that person's anger and frustration, we become part of the problem, instead of part of the solution.

Unfortunately, jealousy has become a way of life in this country. I can not speak for other countries, because I have not lived anywhere but in the United States during this lifetime. Capitalism breeds competition, which breeds jealousy. This is not bad in and of itself, because many positive things come about when people compete. However, it is the way in which it is handled, and to what degree of seriousness is given to each situation, that can cause difficulties.

We have all seen competition and the need to win go beyond all reason. Most of us have seen this very thing every night on the news. How about the mother who hired an assassin to get rid of the cheerleading competition for her daughter. You laugh and say she was crazy, but this was very real for her, and she went too far with the need to win. The need to win has been pounded into our heads since we were children. It is most pronounced in school, perhaps because this is our first really close encounter with others our own age outside of our loving family environment.

Competitions of all varieties start in early childhood, and go all the way up through our adult life, from games, the selection of a mate, and even over the job we get. With competition comes jealousy. There is always going to be someone out there who can do something better than we can, and this equals jealousy.

Where do we draw the line? I feel that children need to be taught from the time they are young that winning isn't as important as playing by the rules, and feeling good about the outcome, no matter what it is. If you did not win' now, you learned valuable lessons that were every bit as important as winning and, therefore, you are a winner no matter what. This removes a lot of the pressure and the jealousy.

Let's learn to replace the jealousy with admiration for the accomplishment of others. Admiring what someone else has accomplished does not lessen us as individuals, in fact, it can help us by allowing us the opportunity to learn from their experience and technic. You can't learn anything from someone you are jealous of, because you are too busy berating them and uplifting yourself (which usually doesn't really work by the way). Especially with children, I feel that if we put the emphasis on learning rather than winning we have not only alleviated the pressure of competition, but have instilled the true value of competition.

Now is not the time for a cop out, however. If you weren't taught this as a child, don't sit around blaming your parents (after all you didn't come into this world with an owner's manual and they are only human). You now have been made aware of it, and it is up to you to take this information and go from there. Putting blame only wastes time and affects no change.

Some people thrive on others being jealous of them. You might have trouble believing this, because most of us haven't ever really thought about it before (maybe it never came up). However, we have all heard the expression keeping up with the Joneses. Everyone thinks those Jones'es feel pretty good, when in reality they are working themselves to death to be able to pay for all the things' they have (which kind of takes the shine off of others being jealous of their possessions).

Why do you think that car manufacturers make so much money off the public? They take a car, a simple means of transportation, and make it small, fast (which only means you are going to get speeding tickets if you run it as fast as it can go because there is no where in the United States that posts a legal speed limit above 75 miles per hour; other than a race track) and then charge an arm and a leg (usually more than a beautiful home) for it. It isn't that this car is going to get you better gas mileage, hold your entire family, or even last longer. In fact, most of these cars cost more for upkeep then the purchasing of a new car every few years. However, it is a status symbol to own this car. What exactly does a status symbol bring to mind when we stop and think about it. I don't know about you, but to me it says that when I drive down the street in this car I want everyone to look at me and envy this car. In other words, I didn't buy the car because it looked great, ran great, or was practical to suit all my needs. Instead, I bought this car to make other people jealous. Now I probably can't go to the grocery store in this $250,000 car without an armed guard, because if I park it in the parking lot someone is liable to key it' because of their jealousy. I also am going to need a garage to park this car in.

This car has now become a major part of my life. I am spending time worrying about it, not being able to drive it just anywhere and leave it, and cautious about the weather in case a hailstorm might occur. Let's see, I have taken this piece of machinery, that was initially created to move me from one place to another, and lost complete sight of its function. In fact, this car that was supposed to help me and take me where I needed to go, now owns me, and has made me a virtual prisoner of paranoia. Why did I do this? Oh I remember, I look good in this car and others will envy me.

This may sound ridiculous, but I can guarantee you that people act this way all the time. I remember when my father got a new car. He spent every night polishing that car. When we went places he wouldn't get out and go in, because he wanted to make sure no one dinged the doors in the parking lot. This came to an end when the car had an engine fire and had to be towed away. His outlook on the car seemed to change a little after that. However, I can assure you that many people with their new cars are just as bad. I was in the parking lot the other day of a computer store. I happened to look over at the truck parked next to us and noticed someone sitting in the passenger seat. I took a double take because I was sure no one had been sitting there before. Oh well, must be mistaken I think and go to get out of our van. I am no sooner out of the van then this person jumps out of their truck and runs around to where I am. He said did you hit it?' I say, hit what? The door, he said did you hit the door when you got out?' No I did not hit your door and why would you think that, did you feel something hit your truck? No, but I thought because you looked at me you had hit the truck?'

I assured him I hadn't hit the truck and then had to explain why I was looking at him. It was a very strange situation and brought home to me that, like my father, this man was sitting in his truck making sure no one dinged' his doors. HELLLOOOOOO....time for a reality check. The funny part is that this person would have never spoken to me in other circumstances.

This is all tied into jealousy. All material possessions are going to crumble and turn to dust. We buy them for a purpose. If we lose sight of that purpose we become a slave to that possession, and it ends up owning us rather than we owning it. There is enough to deal with on this plane without allowing material possessions to stop our growth, or put obstacles in our way. Making someone else jealous about what we own, and the condition it is in, does not make us a better person. In fact, it can make us a slave to those feelings. I might point out that it is also a losing battle. No matter how many times or how long you sit in your car, sooner or later it is going to get a ding, that is just part of reality.

Check out motives for everything you do. Whether it be a material possession, or jealousy over someone elses' material possessions. Material possessions are not the least of it by any stretch of the imagination. There are many who stay at one spot because of jealousy over where someone else is on the path. They don't feel they are progressing as fast as someone else, and this as in all other things, can turn into a competition. If we use this competition factor to study harder and learn more, then it is positive. However, this is very dangerous because most of the time we get discouraged, or worse try to impress people with knowledge that we don't have. It can slow you down, and totally impede your growth. It matters not where someone else is, only where you are, and where you are going. We need to learn to help each other, and share our experiences so that we can grow faster. When all is said and done, my spiritual growth is not going to get you further down the path. Only you can get yourself further down the path, and that is through hard work.

On the mental plane people can spend their whole lives not feeling they are bright, or able to compete in any situation, because of jealousy. It doesn't matter what someone else does, only what you do. Sometimes we are so busy looking at the attributes of others, that we forget to examine and find our own. Just because your attributes are not the same, doesn't mean that they don't exist, or are less important. I was hearing about some new studies out that deal with emotional aptitude, rather than mental aptitude. They are finding that these are interrelated, and that what people think about themselves directly affects their capacity to learn and develop. It always amazes me the amount of money they spend on these kind of studies, when it is really obvious to all of us if we will just stop and think about it.

Each of us have our own special tools that we brought into this world, which will help us to accomplish our purpose. Instead of wasting time and energy being jealous of someone elses' tools, learn to appreciate them. It won't make yours' any less, just enrich your life by the diversity. Always remember no one is an expert at everything'. You are unique and special, so accept that and start looking for your talents, instead of your shortcomings. Each of us have things that we excel in, things which come easily to us. Build on this, and appreciate and acknowledge the uniqueness of others, rather than wasting time and energy being jealous of their talents.

I think that you are beginning to see a pattern. We can find jealousy wherever we turn. We can create it, and position it in any situation. Yes, I said create it. We create our own jealousy. You may say, now wait a minute I am jealous because my husband is a flirt and has had many affairs, which I didn't create'. You did not create the affairs, because that is his reality. However, you did create an environment where the affairs were tolerated, if not you would not still be with him. People can change, but if that is what you were banking on when you stayed with him, then you were just counting on the reality that he is creating for himself. Your reality deals with whether you are going to accept this kind of behavior and live with it or not.

Jealousy doesn't have to involve relationships, but can appear even with people you don't know. How many parties have you gone to where you have gotten into conversations with people and found yourself exaggerating, or out-in-out lying, about something to impress them, because you were jealous of their life? These might be people you don't know, and maybe even really you don't want to know, yet you felt that their life was better than yours. If you doubt this you haven't attended a class reunion yet....hehehe. There is a reverse of this too. People who attend class reunions to show everyone just how well they have done.

When you get ahead in your job, finances, or obtain that dream; how many people that you tell are truly happy for you? How many are jealous? How many times have people told you about their good fortune, and you felt truly happy for them, without any pangs of jealousy lying just below the surface?

Don't be ashamed, we all have these tendencies and they are perfectly normal and human'. However, part of becoming enlightened is learning to rise above' these tendencies. What others have does not make you less of a person, nor does it diminish your life in any way, unless you allow it to.

I am sure that there are many more scenarios I have not hit upon. I will list a few more now; but from the patterns I am sure that you can think of your own situations, and how they pertain to your life.

My mother was always obese, and it was her dream to be thin. She envied anyone that was thin, and wished for their figure. She used to say that she would like her head on their body.

A quick note on the word envy. In my thesauras the only difference between the definitions of jealousy' and envy' was the added definition of mistrust for jealousy. I would conclude by this definition that we could exchange the word envy for people we didn't really know. For instance, the women my mother envied for their thin figures. She had no reason to mistrust them, only to be jealous because they had something she had wanted all of her life, but had been unable to attain.

Kids nowadays have been killed because another child has envied their tennis shoes. People envy talents, possessions, you think of it and it can be added to the list. There seems to be no parameters, other than those that we impose ourselves. We can only start to impose these parameters when we realize that this emotion surrounds us, and needs to be recognized and controlled by us.

If you have children, think of the last sport competition you went to and how the parents acted. There is some jealousy among the children, due to the act of competition. However, the jealousy among the parents is palpable. Speaking of children, how many parents get into a one upmanship mode when it comes to bragging about their children, from the time of birth to adulthood?

Jealousy can slow us down dramatically on our path. The path is like a long distance run. If you keep turning around to see if someone is going to pass you, you might lose your footing and fall. At the very least it will slow you down, not to mention cause added stress and worry. Run your own race. This race is not for the first to cross the finish line, but more for endurance. When you are running cross country there are many things to learn. The lay of the land, watching for ruts in the path, quick sand, fallen trees or anything that blocks your route has to be taken into consideration. However, when you are running for speed all you have to worry about is crossing the finish line first. There are no obstacles in your path, you have your own lane to run in, and there is no time to plan your course, only to run as fast as you can attempting to come in first.

If I could give you just one piece of advice for this race, and how to proceed; it would have to be to live in the present. Look around you at all times, know where you are, where you are going and how you are getting there. Pay attention to details. Know what you are feeling and why you are feeling it, at the time you are feeling it. Look for jealousy in your life; eliminate it where you can, and control it when elimination seems impossible. Looking at it and putting a label on it is the first step.

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HOMEWORK;

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l) Look for jealousy in your family life. Pay attention to your feelings of jealousy when they spring up and the feelings of other members of the family. Write them in your journal.

2) Look for jealousy in the workplace. Find your feelings and start looking at the feelings of others, placing this emotion where it belongs in a given scenario. Add these to the journal.

3) Look for jealousy among friends. Examine your feelings and see where this applies, not only in the way you treat them, but in the way they treat you. Write down any observations.

4) Look for jealousy in a spouse or significant other relationship. Find out exactly where it lies, and why.

5) Make a list in your journal for each one of these categories listing each person and the reason for jealousy, either on your part or theirs.

6) Now do something about it. Treat each person accordingly, taking the jealousy out of the scenario. Make note of how you treat them differently, and how they treat you as a result.

7) Do this for one week and note the difference.