"JUDGEMENT"
This chapter is one of the most difficult to write, because of all
the different meanings that the word judgment has in our lives. This
emotion is critical in daily living, yet can cause the most problems
when used negatively. Once we get in the habit of using this
emotion negatively it is very difficult to stop, and because of this it
has to be constantly monitored. Most of the other emotions we deal
with build, and we have time to think and contemplate our actions,
However, this is not the case with judgment. It is usually executed
before we have had time to think, and once a judgment is made it is
difficult to erase. I personally feel that this is probably where the
phrase "First impressions count" came into being. I don't know who
said it first, but it is as true today as it was thousands of years ago,
before verbal language was even established.
The way that we approach and treat people is generally a direct
result of our judgment of them. Even if we don't admit it, most of us
treat someone dressed in an expensive suit, driving an expensive
luxury car and wearing expensive jewelry differently then we treat
someone who is dressed poorly and drives an old beat up car.
One of the biggest problems with changing and monitoring this
emotion is the split second timing. Most of us have made a judgment
call before anyone has spoken a word, or even acknowledged our
presence.
This is an emotion that is reacted to, rather than acted upon.
When you are judging other people you are watching life, rather than
living it.
I think we all have the most problems distinguishing it (at least
I know I have) because of its subtlety. It sneaks up on us, and before
we know it we are judging someone else, usually more as a reflex
than a conscious effort. I have found that it sneaks into
conversation, because when there is nothing to talk about, and
silence ensues, the conversation will ultimately turn to whatever has
caught one of the five senses; which usually means looking for
someone around you that is out of the ordinary.
Men and women do this equally, but with a different twist. How
many of us have seen a man's head turn when watching an
attractive woman walk by, this is a judgment call (believe me beauty
is in the eye of the beholder). On the other hand, if there is a woman
with the man I guarantee you her thoughts are along a different vein,
such as finding fault rather than praising the other woman's'
appearance.
This emotion is not something you become immune to, nor is it
one that you can forget once you think you have mastered it. This
emotion takes constant monitoring; which means catching yourself
at the moment it happens, stop yourself and analyze why it is
happening.
The rewards for doing this are enormous, and you will find that
once you are controlling this emotion, the world will be seen through
different eyes. Do not think for one moment that you are not being
judged the minute others meet you. I have found that the people
most critical in their judgment of others, are those who feel the most
insecure about themselves. I am sure that we have all said at one
time or another "they don't have any room to talk". However, those
with the least room generally talk the most. This is an old expression
which I grew up hearing, and I can honestly say that in all the
different times I heard it, it was never in a flattering or positive light.
Let's look for a moment at the different types of judgment, so
that you don't misunderstand what I am talking about. We all have
to make judgments everyday, and sometimes it seems like every
moment, of our lives. There are judgments as to what is good and
bad for us; who we want and don't want in our lives; what influences
we want to subject ourselves and our families to; and a myriad of
other judgments on each plane of existence. These may vary from
what you eat, what curriculum you want taught at your children's
school, to whether or not your boss is your equal.
As in all emotions, judgment is essential to our very existence,
and can in no way be obliterated from our lives at this point in time,
nor should it. It should, however, be controlled and monitored, to
make sure that our judgments are thought out, rather than reflex or
even reaction. There are some judgments that have to be made in
a split second, and by doing so can save a life, or lose it. Driving is
one such scenario that demands split second judgment, without
forethought, but is definitely more by reflex (unless your a new driver
and inexperienced).
Let's look at some other split second judgments. If you are
eating food and it doesn't taste right, you stop eating it. You see that
your child is wearing inappropriate clothing out of the house, so you
stop them. A judgment like this is very important, but can also be
very traumatic for the child if not handled sensitively and with love.
There are many times that decisions you make at work are definite
judgment calls, and are split second, although most of the time they
come through years of experience and knowledge. All of these are
needed and necessary to make our lives run smoothly. However, all
of these judgments directly affect our lives, or the lives of our loved
ones. Each of these judgments are made for a purpose, not out of
idle curiosity, the need to feed our ego, or because we had a lag in
conversation.
Widening your perspective on judgment will have an effect on
how you make them and why. Just acknowledging that you are
making a judgment, then analyzing why, will have a vast difference
in your life.
All of life is about perspective, and judgment is a definite
contributor to whatever your perspective may be. Let me give you an
example. Most of us don't like to have pictures taken of ourselves.
There are a few who do, but the majority of people I talk to don't, and
are very critical of the pictures once they are developed. I for one
have never liked to have my picture taken, and have managed to
stay out of the way of the lens, except on special occasions. For
father's day this year I decided to do something special for my
husband (since buying him things he wants usually end up staying
in the boxes) and give him something he could use. He has always
complained that he does not have a picture of me in his wallet. He
has pictures of the children from the time they were young, until they
became adults, but none of me. So this year I decided that I would
actually go in and have my picture taken so he could carry it in his
wallet. When the pictures came back everyone liked them but me.
I pointed out every flaw I saw, and was generally not impressed that
they even looked remotely like me. When my husband brought the
pictures in I was busy with dinner, hot and tired. The next day when
I was rested and relaxed I took the pictures out and looked at them.
All of a sudden they didn't look at all the way I had remembered them
the night before. These were the same pictures, however, I was
looking at them differently. My eyesight hadn't changed, but my
attitude had. This may not mean much to you, but it really made an
impression and showed me again how a different perspective can
cause a totally different effect, even down to the physical seeing of
an object.
Imagine if a little rest and relaxation can change how a picture
is perceived, what reflection can do to a snap judgment, which is
totally in your mind's eye. Imagine that person who is dressed as a
street person is really a millionaire in disguise, waiting to give the
person who is kind to them a large sum of money. Would you treat
that person differently? You don't have to answer me, but be honest
with yourself.
As always, the person we hurt the most with these snap
judgments are ourselves. Most of these judgments are negative and
the other person isn't even aware of it.
About this time you are probably saying to yourself, "I have no
problem with judgment, I am a kind, generous and compassionate
person who fully believes in the adage "Judge not lest ye be
judged"." Well, here is a news flash, EVERYONE JUDGES
OTHERS, whether you admit it or not, or whether you realize it or
not. It is an inherent part of the psychological makeup of man. It
comes to us because man was created to learn by study and
experience, and what better way to study and experience than to
compare your experiences to those of others?
The problem of using this, generally arises out of our own
insecurities. The more insecure one is, the more judgmental we are
of others. When the light is being shined on others, we can stand in
the shadows. To most, standing in the shadows means that if the
faults of others are exposed, then maybe our own faults won't be
noticed. The greater the faults of others, the less ours' are
examined. There is not one set of reasons to explain why we act this
way, and each person has their own personalized set which must be
dealt with.
Society has put a great emphasis on each of us being "normal",
and insists that each person measure up to this unspoken, unwritten
standard that has been laid down. Unbelievable as it may seem,
most of the standards we are psychologically getting does not come
from parents, schools, or through books, but from television and the
movies. When I was young television was just coming out (I know
I'm ancient) and fashion was much different. People did not have
anything to go by but magazines and catalogs. Therefore, whatever
the few "hot" magazines printed was accepted as style. When
television came along all that changed. Whoever, can get the most
commercials on the television at the prime times can influence
fashion and virtually anything else; from the way we eat to the way
we style our hair.
When I was young, those who shopped at thrift stores were poor.
Now the rich shop at thrift stores, and it is fashionable to wear
clothing from these stores, whereas before you didn't dare admit it
for fear of being ridiculed. When I was growing up boys who wore
jeans (girls weren't allowed to wear pants to school in those days)
were considered poor, and the jeans were worn because they lasted
the longest. When my children were growing up Levi 501's were the
in thing to wear and cost much more than regular pants. These were
the same jeans, only a different time, and now accepted as "in
fashion".
I have given you these examples just to show how our
perspectives can be changed for us, without even realizing it. No
one can change the mind of a thinking man/woman except that
individual. It is only when we don't think, but coast along without
introspection that we find ourselves being manipulated by the
manufacturers and advertisers, not to mention anyone else who has
something to sell whether it be material goods, or a point of view.
Think for a minute about how society changes our judgments.
When my grandmother was young fat was in. There was a great
outbreak of tuberculosis, whose main outward characteristic (besides
coughing) was someone being thin and emaciated. Therefore, for
that era, society believed that if a person was robust they were
healthy. Some of the greatest sex goddesses in the 50-60's were not
thin by any stretch of the imagination. We then went through a
phase in the 70-80's for women to be ultra thin, and with no chest.
This was brought about because of all the models. The funny twist
on this was, the reason the designers picked models very thin, and
with no chest, was so that the customers would look at the clothes,
rather than the figure of the models. Now in the 90's we are into
healthy, but the new trend is being pleasantly plump. I think we will
see a lot more of this due to the aids epidemic, which once again
presents its' outer signs by a person being thin and emaciated. Are
you seeing a correlation here to your life?
Advertisers actually change society by telling us how we should
dress (the 90's slogan dress for success), eat, diet, wear designer
clothes, get suntanned, get plastic surgery, everything from wearing
control top pantyhose to how our breath should smell. We make
judgments each day as to whether we want to buy into this, or
believe that this is how everyone truly is, or do what is right for us.
This means standing up and deciding to be happy with yourself, no
matter where you are. It means not letting others dictate to you what
is normal, but living your life by what feels right for you, as long as
you are not infringing on someone else's rights. When we judge
others by their physical appearance, we are buying into what the
advertisers' have told us is beautiful.
Remember these are the same people who are out to take your
money, and don't care what they have to do to get it. These are the
advertisers who coerce people into having plastic surgery, to take a
few years off of their looks. I don't know about you, but I have seen
these "stars" who have the facelifts. Am I the only one who notices
that they have still got all those wrinkles on their neck, and now look
as though someone has taken a new head and hot glued it on this
old body?
I am sure that we have all heard the old saying "beauty is in the
eye of the beholder". I would like to take this one step further, and
have you consider that rather in the "eye of the beholder" it is in the
"heart of the beholder". Ah..this changes things a bit doesn't it? It
now takes and puts the responsibility of what you see and feel right
back where it belongs, with the person observing. All of a sudden it
is not the responsibility of the person you are looking at as to whether
they are ugly or pretty, but reflects how you look on others, and
ultimately yourself. When you see someone with your heart (or spirit)
you are seeing them through different eyes.
I think you have probably gathered by now that the first
judgment we are going to be dealing with is that of physical
judgment. There are judgments on all three planes, but generally the
other two planes require more thinking than the physical. There is
another old saying (don't you love the way I am full of all these old
sayings; it happens when you are my age) "what you see is what you
get" and unfortunately most of us have taken this literally many times
when we look at others.
There is no denying, for better or for worse, that physical
appearance does make a difference in this world at this time. People
who are exceptionally attractive have very little problems being
successful, or commanding attention wherever they go. There is a
down side to this, which is that people rarely take anything "beautiful"
people say seriously. Our society, as a whole, has always been one
of judgment. People are stereotyped and placed in neat little boxes.
Centuries ago the same thing was done, just other names were
used, such as "caste". For each of us to do this is normal. What
isn't normal, unfortunately, is breaking out of the mold and stopping
ourselves from acting this way.
However, we can each make a significant difference in our
society, and consciousness as a whole, by constantly keeping vigil
over these tendencies. In other words, don't worry about what other
people look like, or what they are doing "wrong" in their lives, but
rather concentrate on your own life, and removing the flaws within
yourself.
There are so many experiences, and opportunities, missed
when we prejudge people. Yes, now we have entered the realm of
prejudging. In my opinion, prejudging is the worst kind of judgment,
because it is done without any interaction on the part of the victim.
Yes, I did say victim. You see when a person really stops and thinks
about it, by judging someone, no matter how large or small the
judgment, we are actually putting that person on trial;(without the
benefit of defense counsel) and are acting as judge, prosecutor and
jury. As you can readily see in this scenario, the person (victim)
doesn't truly have a chance.
With each person we meet we have some decisions to make.
Some of these decisions need to be made quickly, while others need
to be thought about and cultivated. For instance; when meeting
someone the first decision is usually whether or not you want to
shake their hand. Once this decision has been made and acted on,
one usually makes what polite society calls small talk, trying to
incorporate interests that are shared. By the end of the conversation
you have a pretty good idea whether you want to get to know this
person better, get away from them quickly, find them uninteresting,
or feel that you have met someone that you instantly feel a kinship.
There are many feelings in-between these, but I think you get the
idea.
It is much easier to meet the person having no knowledge of
their life ahead of time. This gives you no preconceived ideas, and
no judgments that have to be worked around. Meeting someone that
you already "know all about" is much tougher, because now you may
know things that you actually don't know that person well enough to
know. You also may only be aware of how others perceive this
person (ie. the person who told you about them) which may or may
not be true. Not to mention the fact that you may say something too
familiar for a first meeting because of this knowledge, which could be
embarrassing for both of you. What I am getting at here is gossip.
People love to talk about other people.
I watched a special not too long ago on the Discovery Channel
(PBS for those of you who don't get this channel) which talked about
the human brain. It discussed how man acts inherently with certain
traits programmed into the brain before birth. They showed how
people all around the world have the same expressions for
happiness and sadness, even if they didn't speak the same
language. They also talked about man's fascination with other men,
and particularly about gossip (including talk shows, soap operas,
etc.). After much study scientists came to the conclusion that gossip
originated because the first men who inhabited the earth were
scattered about in small tribes, and the only way to get information
back and forth, and learn about each other, was through a curiosity
inherent in their lives. It went on to say that just because man has
progressed, and this type of curiosity is not necessary anymore, does
not mean that this inherent trait has been erased. They believe this
is the reason man is so intrigued with talk shows, soap operas and
gossip. When I say man'
I mean men/women, as I am sure the scientists doing the report did.
It is just a pain to type it every time.
Understanding this, at least to me, makes it easier to identify the
trait as it comes up, recognize it for what it is, and control it. I know
that it isn't easy not to gossip, because people truly want to share
information, and generally the person doing the sharing is not being
spiteful, but just wants to be the first to "tell the latest news". We
have all been guilty of this. I was raised with gossip. Every Sunday
when I was small my family would all go to someone's house (they
all made the rounds) and sit and visit. Invariably the topic of
conversation (when they weren't talking in a foreign language so we
kids wouldn't hear the real dirty stuff) was other people, and I can
guarantee you that the other people being talked about weren't in
that room.
I have seen lives ruined by gossip, and people destroyed. Of
course, one can always use the argument that this was their karma
and they must have needed to learn a lesson from it, and this might
be partially true. However, I know that I do not want to be the cause
of anyone else's suffering, nor do I want the karma involved with
doing so, do you? We will talk more about this later, but for now
what I am concerned with is the opinion we have already formed of
a person, that we perhaps have never even met, due to gossip. I for
one have heard about various people from my family, whom I have
never met, and will probably never meet, yet I know more about their
lives then I truly want to.
It is tough enough to stop ourselves from making judgments off
of what people do to us, or in front of us, let alone off of what
someone else says they did, which may or may not be true. Before
I go on, I would like to give one word of warning about gossip. What
you started as a simple rumor will be embellished as it moves along.
Although the final result may not have been what started out, the
person starting the rumor will be held karmically responsible for the
entire outcome, from start to finish. Remember gossip is like
throwing a pebble into the lake, all you see is the splash, but the
results can be long lasting, move quickly, and have dire effects (I bet
many fish have been hit in the head with those pebbles).
Unfortunately, too many times judgments are made off of first
impressions, which may or may not be accurate. People tend to
have themselves in the center of their universe. I know for a fact that
in my own life my children have misinterpreted what I was feeling or
thinking, by assuming that my attitude or general mood had
something to do directly with them. We each have our own set of
problems to work out and, unfortunately, thinking about these
problems cannot be scheduled. When something is bothering us it
tends to pop up, if not directly in our thoughts, then in our overall
mood and outlook toward the world. This may or may not have
anything to do with the person you are talking to, but they don't know
that. I cannot tell you how many times my children (who know me
pretty well most times) have misunderstood a look of contemplation
to mean disapproval or anger. Like my grandmother always used to
say "you can't judge a book by looking at its cover".
Instead of judging and getting upset with people when they
seem to be upset themselves, try to understand why. If you cannot
understand what they are upset about, or even if it is with you, then
ask. I know this seems like a simple solution, but you would be
surprised how many people don't speak to each other for years
because of a miscommunication. I have also found, through
experience, that most of the reasons people are upset have
absolutely nothing to do others, but with their own inner turmoil.
The easiest judgment to recognize, and learn to control, is that
of physical appearance. Much prejudice is connected to physical
appearance, and many judgments made without thinking. People
are all different, let's start there. There are no "normal" people
because between all the differences physically in each of us it would
be impossible to make comparisons. However, the media dictates
to us what is pleasing to look at physically. We know that this year
fat is out, muscular (which means you don't have to be real skinny)
is in. Long hair seems to have made a come back, and the skirt
lengths are back to mid-calf. Are you getting an overall picture here?
LOOKS ARE UNIMPORTANT, AND ONLY SUPERFICIAL. I
can give you example after example of how looks are deceiving and
mean nothing, but will cut it down to a few to save space. First of all
I want to re-iterate that we are all spirits inhabiting a body. When this
body dies the spirit goes on, and the body goes back to ashes or
dust. So much for long lasting physical beauty; have you ever seen
a skeleton?
My daughter is very attractive physically. She has been
physically attractive since birth, but has been taught that her beauty
means nothing, unless she is beautiful on the inside. She grew up
knowing this, which is good because I could write a whole book on
the stupid things that people say to children without thinking. When
she started dating she dated boys that were attractive, because that
was the type she was drawn to. However, after many negative
experiences with "this type" she came to me and said that she had
it with attractive boys, and was going to date unattractive boys,
because maybe they would treat her better. What she found was
that these physically unattractive boys treated her no better than the
attractive ones. She came to me disappointed and confused.
After a long talk I finally got through to her that what counted in
life for her (which was the inward beauty) held true for others, and
had nothing at all to do with physical appearance. To pick someone
you really want to get to know, one must look beyond the physical
and read the spirit. This is easy to do, and there are many "signals",
if we can get beyond the bright light of the physical long enough to
truly see.
When we judge people by appearance we have robbed
ourselves of the opportunity to truly get to know someone who could
have had a positive impact in our lives, rather than adding negative
karma to our lives by our instant reaction. When I say appearance,
I am not just talking about "pretty" versus "ugly". We do the same
thing to people with anomalies; handicapped, fat, skinny, tall, short,
albino, color of skin, hair, eyes, freckles, psoriasis or anything else
that might make a person stand out as being "different". These
judgments can go either way. I have known people who befriended
someone just because they were handicapped, and it made them
feel good about themselves. People who are handicapped,
beautiful, ugly, etc...all want one thing, and that is to be liked for who
they are, and treated accordingly. No one wants someone to like
them out of pity, or because their condition makes the other person
feel good about themselves.
I have met people in my life who were physically unattractive,
but people flocked around them because of their magnetic
personality. There was a charisma about these people that could not
be denied or overlooked, and as a result their outward appearance
was made beautiful, because of their inward personality.
Unfortunately, these people are few and far between, but they do
stand out and make a point about attitude.
Let's look for a moment at the quick judgments we make on
appearance, and how it affects our lives. Most of these judgments
are made without thinking, and have no basis except, our eyesight
and perception (which can change depending on the mood we are
in at the time). We are driving along and see someone walking down
the street in flashy or dirty clothing that doesn't appear to match,
outlandish hairdo's, different colored hair, extreme amount of make-up, short skirt on a girl (or boy; even more interesting), very tight
pants on a man (or woman), body shirts/no shirts at all, shorts in the
middle of winter, white shoes after labor day, gloves, hats,
skinheads, people with holes in their nose and eyelid for
earrings.....the list goes on and on. All of these judgments are made
generally without ever meeting the person you are judging. There
look is not what you are judging, because that is self evident. What
we are doing is putting them into categories because of this look.
Very few times are words exchanged or even a close-up look gotten
of the person. These are what I call casual judgments, which are
directly made from your perception of life, and how it should be.
They are personal calls that have no impact on the person you are
judging, but have a definite impact on your life and what type of
person you are, which can change according to your personal mood.
Start paying attention, and you will be amazed (if you are honest
with yourself and that is what this is all about) at how many times per
day you do this. This is sad, but it is a fact of life. The only way to
address the big issues is to start by eliminating the small, no sweat,
ones. These are easier to eliminate, because they have absolutely
no direct impact on your life. However, by eliminating these we
enrich our lives, and surround ourselves with more positive feelings.
The next time you are tempted to partake in this, stop yourself and
force yourself to notice something positive about the person you
were judging. Realize that you are looking at another person with all
the hopes, dreams, fears and feelings that you have. They are just
like you, one heart that beats; they need to eat, sleep, and want the
same basic needs. We are all one, yet individual. When you judge
one, you judge us all, including yourself, and let's face it there is not
one of us that does not come up short when being judged.
Imagine it as having a giant body; the leg is no less important
than the arm, and you would not cut it off just because it was hairy
and didn't meet with your expectations. To cut it off would be painful,
physically and emotionally, and yet we do the same thing each day
without realizing it by judging others.
I have had problems with this just as you have. It is very difficult
to stop looking at the physical, because it is what is presented to us
first and, therefore, the most obvious. However, what I have found
from experience is that once you get beyond the physical, all old
perceptions fly out the window. When looking at others we need to
realize that all of the people we are looking at are actually a part of
us, and we them. By simply doing this, the WAY that we look then
changes. Instead of noticing the color of their hair, skin, eyes,
height, clothes, or any other physical trait; you start feeling the
connection. There is a very strong connection, especially when you
put all the other things aside. I have come to realize that the physical
puts barriers between us, which can only be torn down by removing
the physical perception, and replacing it with spiritual eyes. If you
are not ready for this, then look with your heart and feel beyond what
the eyes see.
I saw the tail end of a news report the other day that showed a
study which illustrated how much people actually used physical
appearance to judge others. It stated that in this study people
actually believed that you got the better jobs, were considered to be
brighter, more interesting, more successful, more focused on life and
even more in tune with others if you were judged to be attractive. No
wonder our society makes so much money off of clothing, tanning,
dieting, plastic surgery and other ways that people use to make
themselves more physically attractive.
When we judge each other by physical appearance we have a
no win situation. Rarely are people what they appear to be by
physical appearance. The most beautiful may just be the most
shallow and insecure. Believe me there are two sides to the coin.
My daughter was born very beautiful, so much so that people
would stop me on the street wherever I went to comment on her
beauty. At first it was nice, and what parent doesn't want their child
to be special? However, as she grew it became a great hindrance.
I always raised my children to believe that beauty comes from within,
rather than without. It became more and more difficult to instill this
when adults make stupid comments to children without thinking.
They talk as if the child isn't a person listening, but a doll that you
dressed up for them to admire. I cannot tell you how many would tell
her that she was beautiful, and then follow it with "but I bet you have
heard that before, haven't you?" Now the child is confused, do they
say yes, which is the truth, but makes them appear to be stuck on
themselves, or not answer at all which makes them appear rude or
conceited. Please, think before you make comments to a child about
their appearance, as it can affect their lives. I had to teach my
daughter just to say thank you and let it go, no matter what stupid
remark was made or question asked.
You may say, well what is the down side to being beautiful?
How about never knowing if someone wants to be your friend
because you are a nice person or because you are attractive? How
about the males who say they want to be your friend, but really want
more than that? Better yet, how about being asked out because your
are a showpiece on someone's arm, rather than a person with
feelings? There are as many down sides and problems in being
beautiful as there are in being ugly, only a different set.
We each come into this world with our own karma and own set
of problems to work through and solve. It makes it harder to deal
with the physical, especially when we allow ourselves to get so
caught up in the physical that it is all we can think about and try to
change. YOU WILL NEVER BE TOTALLY SATISFIED WITH THE
WAY YOU LOOK. Accept this and change the things you can, as in
the way you view yourself. When you view yourself with less
physical scrutiny, then you will view others with less scrutiny, and you
won't be as quick to judge.
Don't let the way a person looks physically stop you from
connecting with someone who can help you along the way. This can
also slow your own growth down. We all have bodies, and the way
they look means nothing, except to the person owning the body.
Remember in the end they all die and rot, and what was once
beautiful becomes ugly (if you have a doubt about this try hugging a
rotting corpse).
Think for a moment, most prejudice comes from physical
appearance. There is a reason for this. You cannot be prejudiced
against someone you don't know and have never talked to about
their mental powers or their spiritual beliefs. This is virtually
impossible. However, it is very easy to judge, categorize and dislike
someone over the way they look. The problem lies in the fact that
everyone does it, so it is accepted. In fact, it is not only accepted but
encouraged by the advertisers. Think of all the time and money that
could be saved by taking the emphasis off of the physical and putting
it on the spiritual, or even mental plane. Of course, as far as the
advertisers go they really don't want us to think, because then we
might not buy their products.
We are given physical looks to attract the opposite of the
species for mating purposes. Let's face it, how long does that last?
We all want a certain amount of children and right now I don't think
that populating the world is high on the agenda, but rather preserving
the environment for future generations.
Don't get me wrong, most things done in moderation are good
and if I told you that I didn't enjoy getting a compliment every once in
a while about my appearance I would be lying. However, if I allow
myself to get carried away with my appearance, either by trying to
improve it so others will admire me, or by being upset by it, then I
have lost a great deal. As a result, whether consciously or
unconsciously, I have put up barriers between myself and other
people. Let's start by changing our perceptions, and then teach our
children so that they aren't plagued by these perceptions growing up.
If each person will do this just think of the significant difference it
would make in the way our society operates.
Every prophet along the way has spoken these words; and you
know that they are true in your heart. Let's start by feeling better
about ourselves, and then we will look at others differently. Let's
start by treating others the way we would like to be treated.
Let's move on now to how we judge people mentally. Our
society is quick to label people mentally impaired, because some
people don't follow the "norm" (whatever that is) as far as intelligence
is concerned. Some people get labeled as being slow, and I have
found through my experiences working with children that those who
have been labeled "slow" are that way mainly because they acquired
the title somewhere along the way. People learn in different ways,
and if left to their own devices will learn what is needed for them.
However, when we try to push a square peg into a round hole all we
come out with is frustration. In essence, this is what we do when we
try to teach all in the same way. What makes sense to one person
may not to another. Because someone does not think the way that
we do does not make them more or less than us, only different. If we
could start looking at people as being each unique, then maybe we
wouldn't try to fit people into "our" particular mode of being "normal".
These kind of judgments take place more than we realize, but
are just more subtle then the physical judgments. Usually they take
place with children in school, fellow workers in the workplace, family
and friends. Once again, we must look within. If we are secure in
ourselves, it does not matter where other people are. You are the
only one you are responsible for. This does not mean that we
shouldn't try to help others and contribute wisdom (if we have
enough to share), but it does mean that we shouldn't judge others by
our standards. We each got to where we were through experiences
and perceptions, whether handed down, inlaid, learned or just
concluded in our own mind. When we judge others we do so by
these standards, as they are the only standards we know. Giving
each person their space, and learning from them, as well as trying to
accept them for who they are, brings the kind of peace and
happiness that all are ultimately seeking. The peace of which I
speak won't be found in judgment or negativity. Judgment and
negativity only breed and come home to roost.
As far as making mental judgments, they are all illusions, as are
the physical. You see, just because someone doesn't seem as bright
as you, or maybe doesn't know the same things you know, does not
make them any less intelligent. I have known people who were truly
brilliant in one field of endeavor, yet didn't have the common sense
to come in out of the rain. We each have things to learn. Why not
learn from each other, rather than criticizing and judging one
another. It makes me no less of a person to learn from you, rather
more intelligent to take the opportunity that is provided. If I share my
knowledge with you and you share your knowledge with me, then we
have grown. If I try to impress you with my knowledge by talking
down to you then I have only accomplished to make you angry and
feel defensive. You will not share your knowledge with me for fear
of being laughed at, or because you are upset by my attitude. I have
lost, and so have you, and for what?
Some people are not ready to learn. Sometimes it is simply that
it has not occurred to them that they need to keep learning. Other
times they are preoccupied with something else in their lives. Lots
of times we don't know what we want until the idea is presented to
us. Then a light goes off and we understand that it is time to learn
something else.
I had a teacher in high school that challenged us to learn one
new thing every day. It didn't matter how small or large, just one new
thing. Her concept was that the small things would later turn into
large things and the wealth of knowledge and understanding would
grow with the years, expanding our minds and our perceptions. Fear
cannot grow with understanding, but only lurks in ignorance.
My mother only went to the eighth grade, which in her day was
quite an accomplishment for a woman. She missed not having a
formal education, so set about educating herself. She started doing
crossword puzzles and watching game shows. No one would have
ever guessed that she hadn't graduated from college with her wealth
of information and use of the English language. She could verbally
communicate with anyone, on any level and feel totally at ease. Yet,
if anyone, without knowing my mother, heard that she had only an
eighth grade education, would have immediately judged her to be
uneducated' at the very least. What I am saying is, give yourself a
chance to know someone before you put them in their compartment.
Maybe this will help eliminate compartments altogether from your life.
Let's now look at the most passionate judgment of all, spiritual.
There is, unfortunately, very little tolerance in this type of judgment.
It is usually cut and dried, with very little room for flexibility. Once
again, the problem comes when we are uncertain about our beliefs.
In order to judge someone on the spiritual level, you have to
know that person somewhat. You must get to know the things they
feel, the things they truly believe in and, basically, what makes them
tick. You might ask how you can do this. Everyone has at least one
basic concept that they hold on to tenaciously, and all other beliefs
seem to stem from this belief. Find out what that basic belief is, and
you will be able to get an idea of what perceptions the person is
coming from overall. Finding this out will make you a richer person,
and might teach you something valuable along the way. Remember
you are not finding this out so that you can judge them, but so that
you can have your own life enriched.
You might be thinking right now that this takes too much work
and effort, and that you aren't sure you have the time or energy to
expend.
What if I said to you that I would give you ten thousand dollars if
you could find out what the basic beliefs of the next two people you
meet are, and tell them to me? I'm sure that this kind of incentive
would help you to lose your shyness, and any disinterest. Well, I
offer you something much better. I offer you something that money
can't buy. I offer you something that you can have for eternity,
something that you will take with you long after this life is over and
the body you now have has turned to dust or ash. This is something
that no one can ever take away from you, and that is the richness of
the experience that you can receive by seeking out people, and truly
learning about them and from them. It is a priceless commodity, and
one that I hope you will learn to take advantage of. The best part of
this is that it is something people are more than willing to share.
The only way that this can come about is through you being
less judgmental of people, especially due to appearance. Stop
closing yourself off. Get rid of your feelings of insecurity, and if you
can't get rid of them at least acknowledge that when you are judging
people you are only acting out of your own insecurity. When we
compare other people to ourselves and they come up short it makes
us look good, but unfortunately only to ourselves. This would be fine,
except most people care more of what others think of them then what
they think of themselves (not to mention the negativity all the way
around of this approach). There are many people in this world who
are a "legend in their own mind".
Society tries to minimize our problems, but instead of looking at
them and solving them, advocates escape. Soap operas are a prime
example of this escape. One of the main reasons for their popularity,
is that no matter how bad your life is, it isn't as bad as the actor's
lives in the soap. This allows people a false sense of security about
their own lives, but doesn't change anything. This very sense of
hope and security can stop you from viewing your situation for what
it really is. Instead of working through the lessons we need to learn,
it can cause you to drift along without working out the real changes
you need to affect in your life which would make a difference.
When you meet people talk to them, truly talk to them. Find out
about them, not because you want to be nosey or judge them, but
because you might learn something interesting, or see a new
perspective that could enrich and empower you in your own life.
Truly talk to people, not about the weather, but about things that truly
interest you, or that you have questions about. Do not be afraid of
looking foolish or appearing ignorant. The only foolish person is one
who doesn't know the answer and is afraid to ask the question.
Listen to people open-mindedly without shutting them out. They may
be what you consider to be "way off" on one thing, but may have a
great perspective on something else. If we shut others out because
we don't agree with everything they have to say, then we may have
stopped ourselves from learning something important that they had
to teach us.
I personally grew up in a very strict Assembly of God household
where I was taught that only my particular sect of belief was going to
heaven. All the rest of humanity was going to hell, no matter how
good their intentions were. My mother and grandmother used to pray
every night for the saving of all the catholics (my grandmother started
out as a Roman Catholic so this particular sect was dear to her
heart), and all of the other religious sects that were doomed for hell.
They prayed that god would show them the error of their ways, and
convince them that the only true religion was theirs'.
Needless to say, I was an enigma to my family, as I had a large
problem with this even as a young child. I could not believe then,
and I do not believe now, that any one religion could truly claim to be
the only "true" religion. I also could not believe that this all
consuming loving god they spoke of, was going to ignore the prayers
of all the other sects just because they didn't follow the precepts of
our religion. I asked many ministers about this, but unfortunately did
not ever get a satisfactory answer other than, "this is just the way it
is and we will find out the answers in the by and by" . I don't know
about you, but I want the answers now. In the by and by I might
forget the questions.
I started when I was in my 20's doing the unthinkable, as far as
my religion was concerned, and that is studying all of the major
religions of the world. What I found was that there was a line of truth
running through all of them, and that put simply, they all were
basically saying the same thing. Sure there were a lot of funky rules
associated with most, but when you got down to basics they were all
saying the same thing. The funny part was that one of the major
things they were saying was for each of us to love one another.
Through all the rules, however, I was not finding that love going on
in practice. What I was seeing were people, good people, judging
each other over silly differences and condemning each other to hell
over these very differences. I am still seeing people die in many
countries around the world for these very differences and I have to
ask "why". What is it about the human race that refuses to allow
each person to be unique and believe the way they want, as long as
it is not physically impeding to someone else?
My beliefs will not take anyone to heaven, to hell, or anywhere
in-between. My beliefs will only matter in the end to one person, and
that is "ME". I can spread my beliefs, but that does not mean that
anyone is forced to take them as their own. In fact, I don't believe
that there are any two people who believe exactly alike. You see
when you take my belief and adapt it into your life, or yours into mine,
we then make it our own. We add to that basic precept all of our own
experience and knowledge from this, and other lives, and it becomes
uniquely our own. It is no longer my belief, but your belief which you
will tailor according to your needs.
I listen to everyone's beliefs without judgment, or criticism.
Sometimes I make no comment, because no comment is needed.
Sometimes I ask questions to clarify their beliefs', and sometimes I
ask questions so that they will think about their beliefs'. I don't ever
attempt to change anyone's beliefs, because that is not my purpose.
My purpose is to get people thinking and understanding themselves,
and their beliefs. When you get through reading this book you may
not see anything the way that I do, and that is fine. However, you
have read, thought, and opened your mind to a different perception,
and that is what is important. What you do with it, is totally up to you.
What I am trying to say is, be tolerant of others and their beliefs. Do
not judge them, condemn them, or put them in boxes because they
do not belief the same way you do. Do not judge the faceless
masses because of their religious affiliation. Enough prejudice exists
in this world without us having to buy into it.
When we judge other people we make ourselves weaker, not
stronger. We constantly compare ourselves to others in this way,
when most of the time there is no real comparison to be made. We
hurt only ourselves, and not the person we are judging.
HOMEWORK;
Your homework for this chapter is to each day for one week
watch yourself and look for any judgments you make, no matter how
large or small. Write down each judgment in your journal just as it
occurred, do not sugar coat or diminish it in any way.
At the end of the week categorize these judgments into the
three planes; physical, mental and spiritual and then dissect them.
Analyze each one for content, purpose and outcome. When that is
done analyze why you formed these judgments, and what good they
did for you. Look for the underlying weaknesses within yourself that
caused these judgments to occur. We must work on what we
consider our weaknesses to be and strengthen each weakness.
Once we are secure within ourselves the judgments will become less
and less.
I then want you to spend the next week catching yourself every
time you start to judge someone, and stop yourself. Look at them in
a different light. Look at them as spirits inhabiting bodies, rather than
looking at the body. Look only into their eyes. You will find that by
changing your perception of others, they literally change before your
eyes, and your life is enhanced on the way to becoming whole
yourself.
The second part of this homework is to start being more friendly
and open to people. You will be surprised at what a smile can do, or
even just a friendly hello. For this entire week I want you to smile at
people wherever you go, and even nod and say hello. Do this to
everyone you see without picking out people because of the way they
look, or because you might want to get to know them. In fact, make
sure you are especially friendly to those you would have otherwise
totally ignored last week. Do this whether you are in a good or bad
mood. Paste the smile on your face if you have to, and you will find
that before long it is not pasted there, but genuinely feels good and
has made you feel better, which is what this is all about.
Pick at least two people that you have already had an
acquaintance with, whether at work or socially, and get to know that
person. Pick people that before you would have had nothing to do
with because of their outward appearance. Imagine your getting that
ten thousand for getting to know them, that should be a good
motivator (just don't write me for the money). Give it an honest shot.
I am not asking you to make them your best friends, although I
wouldn't be surprised if this were to happen. Just talk to them and
get to know what they are all about. Through all of this you may see
a new perspective, or a variation on an old perspective.
I have had many interesting stories come out of this, but the one
that has stuck out in my mind is that of a young lady that was given
this assignment. She had been going with her co-workers to a
cocktail lounge after work where they would have a drink, unwind
and socialize before going home. For one week they had noticed a
man sitting at the bar that resembled Norman Bates in the movie
Psycho. All week they had laughed and joked about this man and
his appearance, quipping "who would Norman's next victim be". The
man always carried a notebook and seemed to be making notes,
which they were sure concerned his "next victim". After she received
this homework assignment she mentioned it the next night to her
friends, and they all agreed that Norman was definitely her
assignment. She walked up to talk to him, introduced herself and
told him of her homework assignment. She remarked on his
uncanny resemblance to Norman Bates and told him of some of her
friends' comments about him. To her surprise he laughed, and was
thoroughly amused by her thoughts. He admired her honesty,
explaining to her that a lot of people made the connection.
He joined her and her friends back at her table after introducing
himself. After putting all predisposed judgments aside she found out
that he was a professor at a large university, who was doing a thesis
on human behavior. He was at the bar to study people and their
actions. She found out that he was a fascinating man with a brilliant
mind. He was leaving in two weeks for Brazil to teach and finish his
thesis. They exchanged phone numbers so that they could keep in
touch.
So what was the lesson learned, that by putting aside pettiness
and judgment you can enrich yourselves, others, and have an
experience that you will never forget. She was so glad that she had
spoken to him. She and her friends had an interesting evening and
she had made an acquaintance with someone she planned on
keeping in touch with, perhaps evening making a friend for life. As
you go through this homework if you have an interesting experience,
write to me and let me know.