"LOVE"

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I have come to the realization that controlling emotions is only a temporary measure. However, temporary control is very important because it allows us the time to handle situations, and ourselves, while we are still learning on this plane.

True enlightenment comes with the ability to separate ourselves from our emotions. I am afraid that once a being is enlightened to this degree they are ascended to another plane. Some call this nirvana, others heaven. Whatever name you wish to call it is fine. When this is achieved all pain, suffering, fear, joy and every other emotion both good and bad have been transcended. You don't have to handle that which you do not feel. For those of us who are still here, however, the next chapters are written for us.

Controlling emotions does not come easily or without conscious effort. There will be hard lessons to learn. Some people may have no trouble with one emotion, but might get stuck on another. I am writing this book in such a way that it will cover all of the emotions, at least the ones I am aware of. If there are some I do not cover (and I am sure that a lot of people will probably find some because we are all unique) just follow the same guidelines. Work on all of them, and you will quickly discover which ones need the most work. They are the ones that keep cropping up over and over and cause the most annoyance.

Remember you are doing this for you, not me or anyone else. The one person in this world you cannot fool is yourself. You can lie to yourself, but you still know the truth within. Be honest, work hard and the results will amaze you.

The first emotion that we will work on is the one publicized and advertised the most "LOVE". There are many forms of love and I would not try in one book, let alone one chapter, to outline every possible relationship or scenario. What I will do is give a basic outline that can be put to work in every possible situation. The outcome, as always, is up to you.

Some people are as afraid of talking about love as they are of death. I find that talking about love (I didn't say sex, but the actual feeling of love) makes people secretive and unable to truly express their feelings. If you doubt this ask the one closest to you why they love you? Don't be angry when it takes them awhile to find an answer, if they come up with one at all rather than just changing the subject. We all seem to be afraid that if we take a good look at love in the light of day, or shine an even brighter light on it by analyzing our feelings, it will simply vanish in thin air. Worse yet, we may find out that we really don't love the person after all.

There are a lot of different reasons people find themselves in relationships, the least of which is love. Usually you will find that there is a need that the other person in the relationship fulfills. People are attracted to each other for a myriad of reasons, such as; physical appearance, mental capabilities, spirituality and anything and everything in-between. Sometimes we are attracted to someone merely because they remind us of someone else that we love.

For example, women who were not given the love and attention they desired from their father might end up in a relationship with someone who reminds them of their father, whether conscious of it or not. On the other hand, maybe a man lost his mother at a young age due to death or divorce and is now searching for a replacement in a mate. All of these things are legitimate attractions, but none of them require or sustain love. So you ask "What is love?"

For the definition of love I looked it up in the only dictionary I could find; The Random House American Dictionary; here goes; Love: a strong or passionate affection for a person of the opposite sex; sexual passion or desire or its gratification; an object of love or affection, a sweetheart; a personification of sexual affection as Eros or cupid; a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection as for a friend, parent, child, etc.; strong predilection or liking for anything, love of books; the benevolent affection of god for his creatures or the reverent affection due from them to god; tennis, etc. nothing, no score.

I don't know about you, but after reading all of those definitions I can truly understand how a person can get confused. I truly did not know that the dictionary actually said that sexual passion or desire were love. That is a true eye opener. It is no wonder that our society is in the shape it is today if we can actually put a definition like that in the dictionary that a young mind will read and use to learn about a subject like love. It is mind boggling when you think about it.

The one love I don't see mentioned in that long definition is the love for humanity in general. We are all interconnected with each other and to love ourselves is to love all of mankind. Even though each of us is unique and different, we are all still part of the whole.

Let's start by breaking down love a little further (if I have enough room in this chapter). The first kind of love I would like to talk about is unconditional. This love is generally given by parents and deities (doesn't matter which religion you pick generally all of them preach unconditional love which is one of the things that make religion so attractive).

The only unconditional love I have experienced while being on this planet is that of my mother, father and grandparents. You might ask what I mean by unconditional love. This is a love that is freely given no matter what. You could be the ax murderer standing in front of the person with an ax about to chop their head off and they would still love you. No matter what kind of jerk you are this kind of love is given. It is not given because you deserve it, or because you have earned it. It is given basically because of your birthright. This is not to say that parents and grandparents agree with everything you do or even support what you do, but they love you no matter what you do.

Before you start with the letters I am aware that not all parents and grandparents have these feelings. The ones that don't are few and far between and generally you will find that they don't give unconditional love because it was never given to them and they simply don't know how.

The problem comes as we start to grow up. We get used to being accepted and loved by our parents, no matter what, and then all of a sudden we are thrown into a new situation, such as school, with strangers. All of a sudden we are not loved and nurtured because of who we are, but have to earn being accepted, let alone loved. We start to find out that it isn't so easy being loved or loving. Your parents are your parents no matter what and you can't walk away from them when your growing up, but a friend is another matter. We can truly love a friend, but if they no longer earn our love we find that we can walk away. This gives us our first taste of conditional love.

Conditional love is a totally new ball game, and all the rules have now changed. The problems start because the rules seem to change from person to person and relationship to relationship. However, one thing remains the same; no one has to love you or stay in love with you. What makes this even more confusing for the child, and usually this happens at a very young age,is that parents don't usually take the time to sit down and discuss these new developments with their children. As a result, the children don't understand exactly what is going on, but are afraid to talk about it because their parents obviously must not want to talk about it, if they know about it at all. As you can see you have a circle situation where after awhile there is no beginning or ending only confusion (which is the way I feel now having just said all that). The biggest problem that I have encountered when counseling people about relationships is the confusion between unconditional love and conditional love. Both are love, yet both are opposite of each other.

I guess the biggest conflict is that we are raised on unconditional love, but most parents don't bother to teach their children that this love is not out there in the real world of relationships. This is why people get confused and promise forever and ever, then five years later are getting a divorce and never want to see each other again. I am glad to say that our society as a whole seems to be wising up and understanding that finding a mate may seem difficult, but is nothing compared to keeping that relationship alive and nurtured.

Let's move on for the moment and talk about the love of things'. There are things you love in your life without having to think about them or even wonder why you love them. Most people love a sunrise (as long as I don't have to get up at the crack of dawn to see it, video is fine for me) and a sunset (much more my time of day); the ocean, the mountains, art (in whatever form turns your crank the most); nature and animals. Most of these things don't need nurturing; they are just there for you to enjoy, and you take advantage of the freedom you have to enjoy them without having to think about it.

There are the passionate loves such as; freedom, independence, god (your choice), country, state or ideas (either your own or those of others you agree with). Once again most of these loves are just there to enjoy and whatever you put into them are what you get out, no pressure from anyone because the only good they do are for you.

This brings us back full circle to relationships; the crux of our society's dilemma. It's what all the psychiatrists make their big bucks on, most candles get lit in the church for, and what people pray the most about.

Before we get totally caught up in relationships, and what it takes to make them work, let me first state here and now that love is used as a blanket to cover many hidden agendas. The word is bandied around and one of the first things that a child is taught to say after Dada and Mama is I love you. Do you really think that the child at that point has any concept of what love is, a big NOT, but it makes us feel good just to hear them say the words. Sometimes I think that our society feels it more important to hear the words, than to worry about the true feelings behind them. How many songs have you heard in your lifetime that send the message tell me you love me, even if you don't mean it'?

At this point I would like to get on my soap box a little (I am entitled after all I am the one up at l:30 a.m. writing this, so indulge me). WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE WORD LIKE? Now I am aware that like is a four letter word, but it isn't a dirty word. However, our society treats it like a wicked step child with love being the parent. EXCUSE ME, but shouldn't it be the other way around. Whatever happened to the days of liking someone before you love them.

I have been as guilty of this as anyone else, so I can talk from experience. When I first met my husband I looked into his eyes and knew that we were meant to be together. I was sure that it was love at first sight (I was young, just learning and a total fool, so what else is new). He was younger, yet wiser than I was. I told him after the first week that I loved him. He refused to say it to me. Somehow I thought that if I said it enough he would have to love me too, or at least be guilted into saying it. He was very kind and told me that he cared for me and truly liked me, but that he did not know me well enough to love me. He became uncomfortable with me telling him all the time that I loved him, but I couldn't stop (I am stubborn if nothing else). We worked out a compromise; I would say Hello instead of I Love you and he would know that was what I meant. When he fell in love with me about a month later he told me so, and I found that the need to tell him I loved him all the time diminished.

I frankly don't know if my motive for telling him all the time was trying to convince him or me (I can't remember because I wasn't looking at my feelings honestly at that time and I have slept since then). The point of this story is that I didn't feel comfortable saying I like you, although this is a legitimate feeling that gets left out or totally ignored during the start of a relationship.

My husband explained to me his feelings by saying that each day as he got to know me better he loved me more, and the more experiences we shared together would cause that love to deepen even further. I have experienced this myself with other people, so it is tried and tested, and it has always proven true. I was looking for instant gratification and validation. I wanted forever in a nutshell because I found security in those terms.

There is no security in the word like; "I like corn". As a sidelight one of the phrases I have learned has the least security is forever and ever' (how long is that in days, weeks and years....until I get tired of you, or you do something that makes me not want to see you again?). It is a lose/lose situation. If it truly lasts forever you may have wished it didn't, and if it doesn't you feel like a failure for thinking it would, and blaming yourself for not making it work.

I think the question we need to ask ourselves is, why is there no security in the word like? I have learned that like is one of the most important building blocks in any relationship. That is not to say that you can't have a relationship without it, most people do, which is precisely what the main problem is. For instance, personally (and I am sure that most of you can relate by thinking of at least one person like this in your life) there are people that I love, but don't like and don't want to be around.

My grandmother had many sayings that I felt helpful while growing up, but the one that sticks out the most in my mind was; "Lorri get along with the people in this world you can get along with and let the rest of the world get along with the others". I will tell you this, I have not as yet seen one happy healthy relationship where the couple loves each other, but don't like each other.

Now I have seen many relationships where the couples don't like each other, but tolerate each other because of their love. That doesn't mean that these very same people aren't bitching and complaining about their partner the minute they are away from them, whether it be at work, or with friends and family. You all have had experience at least once with a couple like this, and they are no fun to be around.

Let's start then by putting this emotion "Love" into perspective. I think before we try to control this emotion we need to find out if we even truly feel it. Let's not confuse passion for love (even if the dictionary does); two people in love can have sex, but so can two people who are not in love and horny. No matter what your parents tell you the sex can be just as good physically. However, there is no feeling of emotional commitment when it is over, just the guilt we are taught to feel for having sex without love and commitment.

I would like to take a moment here to talk about sex. Most of us have been taught by our parents and society that what separates us from the animals is that we pick one mate and stay with them for life, rather than having indiscriminate sex with whoever looks good. Therefore, with the highest regard for their sense of overkill we have been told since day one that sex without love is like a day without sunshine (did I really say that, sorry I guess I just got carried away). I would like to add that our parents were wrong, because there are many animals that pick one mate and stay with that mate for life.

I am sure that through everything else I have said it is easy to see where this is going. Man/woman has found a solution to this problem, just tell everyone you date that you love them, and then it is okay to have sex. I saw a sitcom the other day that actually told John Q public that once you went out on the third date men in America expected to have sex (in order for the relationship to reach the next plateau). Excuse me; does this mean that after seeing someone two times (maybe for a grand total of eight hours if they were normal dates) I am supposed to be in love? Our children are seeing this not just in this sitcom, but through commercials, ads, movies, not to mention peer pressure whether real or imagined, and yet they are supposed to abstain. Better yet, are they supposed to take the adult seriously when the opposite message is being given all around them.

HELLO, has our brain gone south for the winter or what? Yet we teach that sex without love is wrong and anyone having it should feel guilty. Wow, the only answer seems to be for me to love everyone I sleep with on the third date, or don't date very many people. Either way I am a loser and now confused about my feelings and what love really is.

With all of this information is it any wonder that now one out of every three marriages end in divorce. These are pretty amazing statistics when you add in the fact that less people are getting married, but just living together. No one knows what the statistics are on that kind of relationship.

About now you are saying; so what is the answer? I don't have answers, each of you must find those for yourselves. However, I can tell you that it all goes back to being true to yourself. If you feel that having sex without love is wrong then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, because for you it is wrong. Along the same line, telling someone you love them doesn't mean that you really do, and you are the only one who knows the truth. So if you tell someone you love them and you don't you aren't being true to yourself. If this keeps coming up in your life then there is a lesson to learn and maybe that lesson has something to do with being true to yourself. I do not give direction on which way is better, that is totally up to the individual, however, in this day and age of Aids I think more thought needs to be put into the act before it happens.

We can only determine who we love by isolating the feeling. Make sure of what you are feeling. Like is very important and there are a lot of people I like, but don't love; there are even a few people I love but don't like. I would like to see the word taken out of mothballs and used more frequently.

Let's talk about relationships for a few minutes. We will be discussing them throughout all of the chapters, because after all most of our emotions are based directly upon relationships with other people. If we lived alone on an island we wouldn't have to deal with emotions at all, except for how they pertain to us.

Love takes the rap for a lot of relationships going bad, when the real culprit was only masked by love, the emotion. Remember how we talked earlier about love not being analyzed because people were afraid of it not really being there; well that in and of itself is part of the overall problem. Dirt swept under the rug may stay hidden forever, but it is still dirt even if it is out of sight. We, unlike the rug, sooner or later have to deal with our own dirt, so to speak.

I'm sure all of us have heard the saying at one time or another "love covers a multitude of sins" (if you haven't indulge me, I'm old okay?). In reality love may cover up faults, but it doesn't take the faults and problems away, only masks them for awhile. While the problem is being covered by love we are secretly hoping that the annoying trait will just go away. When this fails to happen we actually try to change' the other person in order to alleviate the annoying trait. When this fails, and it will (remember we can't change anyone but ourselves), no amount of love will stop the annoyance from growing.

For illustration purposes we shall turn to our hypothetical couple, John and Mary. John and Mary meet at school. It is instant attraction. John has a friend ask Mary for her phone number and she shyly gives it. Inside she is shaking with anticipation and goes home to wait by the phone, hoping he will call.

John, in the meantime, is afraid he has made a terrible mistake. He is very shy, and has always had trouble with commitment to anything. However, he is very attracted to Mary and has daydreams about holding her, kissing her and having a date with her every Saturday night, hopefully leading to a steady sexual relationship.

Mary, on the other hand, sees John as her knight in shining armor. He is a star football player and every girl has secretly wanted to go out with him, but he ignores all of them. She is sure that this only means he is sweet and shy (right?). She can't wait to go out with him, because all of the other girls will be so jealous. Mary daydreams about John holding her hand, having picnics by the lake, telling him her deepest thoughts and going for walks in the park where she will read him poems that she has written just for him.

Do you see a problem arising, yet? Any big red flags going up in the air? Well, Mary and John see no problems and the first date goes off very well (mainly because each of them is playing the role the other has set them up with; being themselves is totally out of the question because the other person is so special they couldn't possibly be liked for their normal boring personality).

John is a perfect gentleman and opens all the doors, and Mary listens attentively to all of his football stories. They hold hands and he kisses her goodnight sweetly at her front door. She goes in dreamy eyed, while he is thrilled that he has pulled it off so well. Even if the kiss wasn't all he had hoped for, he is sure that will straighten out over the next few dates. He isn't wrong, after the fourth date they are having sex and he is proclaiming his undying love for her and she for him.

Things go along well for about a week (usually it takes longer for adults, but teens seem to live faster, less time I guess). All of a sudden the relationship starts to wear thin. He won't make a commitment for the future or even give her his class ring, and she is sure it is because he doesn't really love her. She no longer wants to have sex all the time because she is feeling used, and getting the feeling that if she had held out longer in having sex with him that he might not be taking her for granted now. He doesn't want to go on picnics, but would rather go to the pool hall and hang out with the guys. Before you know it they have broken up and are no longer even speaking to each other.

I realize that this is part of the socialization pattern young people have to go through as part of the learning process, but let's evaluate just what they have learned from this.

John thinks that girls are too possessive and pushy just because your having sex with them, even though he is sure they want it just as much as he does. He also feels that girls hold out on sex just to get their way, the way his mother does with his father (his dad told him so).

Mary, on the other hand, is now sure that the only reason John went with her was to have sex and tell his friends about it. She had envisioned a long lasting relationship, forever and ever, but all he wanted a cheap one night stand. Next time she vows to wait longer to have sex, and not give it so freely once she is having it.

Are you starting to see a pattern. Yes these are the things learned by teenagers, but does that make them any less valid. I have a big surprise; the things you learn at any age are going to be the things that you carry with you throughout life, until you change them and your beliefs. HELLO, DID YOU HEAR ME? What makes you think that you are any different today than you were as that pimply faced teenager facing a relationship (boyfriend and girlfriend) for the first time? Have you learned? Have you grown? If so, what? Time to look and evaluate.

It is very easy to sit back and look at John and Mary and see all the problems ahead of time because you are not emotionally involved with the situation. It is quite another thing to see the problems when you are either John or Mary. Let's analyze a little bit anyway.

John was the same person that Mary was attracted to at first glance. The problem started when Mary didn't dig beyond the first glance attraction syndrome. Sometimes this is very hard to do, and is the first barrier needed to be overcome. There is a person under that exterior; not necessarily good or bad, just a person that has specific interests, needs, and comes with their own unique set of problems.

Before I go any further I want to state that it is my personal belief that parents have as much obligation to teach their children about relationships as they do about cleanliness and proper etiquette. I know that some parents have trouble talking about things like infatuation, like, love, affection and sex, but you do your children (and I am sure there are a lot out there already hurting because of it, you may even be one) a terrible injustice by not dealing with emotional needs because of your own inability to cope.

One tip that I have always given my children (by the way teaching them about relationships doesn't mean they have perfect ones, it only gives them a better shot at it, it is still up to them) is; going into a relationship don't look for the things you have in common with a person. First look for the things you don't like and find annoying, for these are the things that will split you up and destroy a relationship.

If motorcycles scare me, because of the danger, and I date a guy who loves to dirt bike, we have a problem from the beginning. If we go out with someone who cause us to feel uncomfortable and be embarrassed to be with them in public because of their behvavior, we have a red flag. Red flags are always present, but our emotions tend to get in the way of our eyesight (that is why the flags are red, but sometimes infatuation makes us colorblind). Compromise is something that is learned in a relationship over a long period of time, so why bring major problems into a new relationship and doom it from the start.

Getting back to Mary and John. If Mary had listened to John's life, rather than just his football stories; she would have realized that he was a person who had a problem with commitment. Mary knew that John was shy, but that was an endearing quality to start with, not so endearing when he was unable to tell her his feelings about their relationship. If John, on the other hand, had listened to Mary he would have found that her interest in him was not sexual, but romantic. Mary wanted someone to write poetry for, who would appreciate the quiet things and see the beauty that she saw in nature. I could go on and on, but I think you get the drift.

What I am basically saying is that the two of them entered the relationship with totally different expectations, thinking that the other was in tune with their expectations. When the expectations did not materialize each felt it was because the other was holding out on them, so neither felt responsible for the ultimate break up.

This is just the tip of the iceberg concerning trouble with relationships, as we get older it gets much more complex because we expand, but we never truly change the scenario (until we learn the lesson intended). This is why a person in an abusive relationship, whether it be physical or psychological, once they leave the relationship usually finds another just as bad, if not worse.

Let's take a look at Mary five years down the road. She is now 2l, with her BA in literature, and is writing a column for the local paper (her father owns). All in all her life is going well. She will take over in daddy's footsteps one day, so her father is pleased, and now it is time for her to find a mate to share her life. She dated in college, but it was never serious, mainly because John had hurt her so deeply that she wouldn't give anyone else a chance to get close. Besides, she reasoned, all the guys she met were creeps just like John. Things are going to be different now, now she is ready for a relationship.

Mary meets Charlie. Charlie is nice to look at, but not nearly as handsome as John. She feels safe in this selection, because everyone knows that if you have a relationship with someone not as attractive as you they treat you better, right? Mary starts out being the aggressive one. She asks Charlie out, sets up the date and sets the tone for their relationship, which lasts one whole month before Charlie breaks up with her. (Golly guess he just didn't know he had such a good thing, he must have felt overwhelmed by her, right? HELLO, WAKE UP).

Mary is undaunted. She knows now that she might as well pick a man she is truly attracted too. She found Charlie boring and didn't have sex with him because she wasn't attracted to him in that way. This time she picks Skip.

Now Skip is one of those muscular, fake and bake, type of athletic people who make the commercials for Fruit of the Loom underwear. Wherever they go people turn to stare because they are such an attractive couple. Skip and Mary go out dancing with friends a lot, which is fine with Mary because when they are alone they don't have a lot to talk about, but that is okay, because she is sure she can change all that, given enough time. She will get Skip to come around to the finer things in life; such as the opera, ballet and theater. Right now all Skip really looks forward to is Sunday Football games, drinking beer in front of the television set and golfing with his friends.

In spite of all his faults Mary continues this relationship, because she is sure that being such a good example for Skip, and with her mild insistence, he will see the err of his ways and fall into line with her interests. She even goes along and pretends to like golf. She even tries to understand football and serves beer to his friends (secretly hating every minute of it).

This time Mary has decided it is time to settle down, so she and Skip marry. She is sure that once they are married he will become more interested in her interests and disinterested in his. She starts to feel like she is losing him after the first year, so they have a child. Two rocky years down the road she takes the child, leaves and a messy divorce follows. Through it all Mary can't understand what happened. Skip is like a stranger to her. He might as well be from another planet.

However, there is a new kink to her scenario, they have a child together. No matter what she now cannot just walk away from Skip, like she did John. She must be integrated in his life, joined because of their child. Now Mary will be subjected to the constant intrusion of Skip in her life and soon will probably come to resent her child because of it. Follow this up with guilt over the resentment and you have the same basic problem with many overlaying feelings added on for good measure.

As you can see Mary has not progressed in her relationships since John. All that she has accomplished is expanding and trying different crowd control methods, rather than addressing the problems from the beginning. How many of us at the start of a relationship actually sit down and list all of the things we have in common with the other person?

Here are some questions we should ask at the beginning; l) What do I have in common with this person? 2) On what level am I attracted to this person? (are you attracted physically, mentally or spiritually?) 3) What faults does this person have that I can't live with? 4) Where is this person coming from as far as personal experience with other relationships are concerned? 5) Does this person have a problem with commitment? 6) What kind of relationship did their parents' have? 7) How much am I willing to compromise and change about myself? 8) How well does this person know themselves and what they want out of a relationship? 9) What is the other person's expectations/what are my expectations?

Question number seven is always a killer. I am going to state this many times so if you don't get it the first time don't worry. YOU CAN CHANGE NO ONE BUT YOURSELF!!!!! If you are willing to change to accommodate the relationship you have a shot at it, if you aren't then walk (no run) out before you invest too much time or emotion into it.

I am sure you are getting the idea, which is most of the situations and problems have very little to do with love, or the lack thereof. Love is grand, but when reality sets in everyone gets bit.

You are probably asking about now what can be done to avoid these situations? Gee, glad you asked. Look for the problems ahead of time and they will never take form. Of course the relationship may never occur either, but don't worry it only means that you have not found the right relationship. There is someone out there who likes the same things you do, dislikes the same things, and is willing to compromise on the difference. The clue is getting through all the frogs to find the prince, which is much easier to do when you rule out the frogs that are ineligible, rather than kissing all of them.

When you find out what it is you are really looking for you won't have to look any further, because it will appear (don't forget we make our own reality). Part of our reality is learning whatever lesson it is we need to learn and then moving on. This does not mean that when you find the right person all will be instantly smooth and wonderful. There will still be a lot of work to be done to maintain a smooth relationship. You are two people from two different backgrounds with two different perspectives being brought together through mutual love and respect. What getting linked with the right person means is that you now have a shot at a permanent relationship. This is still Not to promise forever, because even if two people are great together today if they don't grow together over the years they either grow apart or stagnate. Sometimes people grow in opposite directions. This can be compensated for with love, understanding, and the desire to stay together.

Always remember; love is not a magic pill that instantly dissolves in a glass of water. Love takes time to build and even more time to mature. It grows day by day from a seed into a flower that opens one pedal at a time. If you pick a flower before it is opened it will die without ever coming to full maturity. You must have patience and allow it to grow on its own, savoring the beauty of each stage and nurturing it gently. The flower if left on the vine to grow doesn't die, but changes and continues in its evolution of life. Picked, its beauty withers quickly. Even though the flower can be dried and kept forever, it will never grow again, but sit dry and lifeless in a book, and when you pick it up it will crumble in your hands. Even if we carefully put it on a shelf, the dust can gather on it, but we don't dare dust it, because once again it will crumble.

Let's now explore another kind of love, the love for humanity. This love is publicized also, although not nearly as much as sexual love and romantic love. We have all seen the ads and commercials for groups like "Feed the Children". You know the ads they come on late at night and show us skinny misshapen children who have no food to eat, water to drink or medicine (although I have never understood the need for medicine if they are going to die from lack of food). I am not trying to be flip and I won't tell you what I think of most of these organizations, because I am sure that at least one of them is probably legitimate (although I haven't investigated to see which one that is). The point is they play upon your love for humanity. Granted some people give because once again through superstition (which is a very powerful motivator, never underestimate it in your life)they believe that if they give that particular plight will never happen to them or their children.

Most people, however, give to these organizations because it is a quick, easy method to help humanity without taking too much time out of their busy day. I am not saying this is right or wrong, because once again it is up to the individual and what works for them. The point here is that this is a good example of a love for humanity. The same holds true for victims of natural disasters, fires and accidents. We all possess this love, but it seems to only come forth in situations of tragedy.

Wouldn't it be wonderful, please allow me to get fanciful for a moment, if instead of only using this emotion during times of hardship we all learned to use it during ordinary times. You know what I mean, like when you walk down the street smiling at someone and wishing them a good day. I realize our society has become very paranoid and people are afraid to smile, let alone engage a stranger in conversation, but let's make it safer and smile at someone in the supermarket, restaurant, department store, or maybe just be friendly over the phone. You would be surprised at the difference it makes in someone's life for the moment (depending on their life maybe even beyond the moment extending into their evening, day or life).

All acts (whether good or bad) do not stand alone. There is a trickle down affect. This reminds me of the saying "if the tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it fall, does it still make a sound, and does it still have the same effect?" You never know when you are going to make a difference in someone else's life and the funny part is that this is rarely done with money, but personal acts (again whether good or bad).

Many years ago I helped give a beauty pageant for children. I was busy trying to organize the children and in doing so was giving one of my famous "motivational pep talks". Now I had given hundreds of these to my own children, as well as any other children within earshot, and I frankly don't even remember what I said. However, when the pageant was over I was approached by a mother and her daughter.

This child had not won, but had placed in talent. Her mother told me how her daughter was ready to quit piano (which was her talent) because of her fear of performing, but after I had spoken to her and given her encouragement she now had the courage to go on. The girl personally thanked me. I couldn't even remember what I had said and merely told them I was glad I could help. I felt like a heel for not remembering (guess I was even having Alzheimer's back then) but it hadn't had the impact on me that it did on her because I had so many other things on my mind.

Two or three years later I saw the same mother and found out that her daughter was now giving concerts and planned on being a concert pianist, to which she and her daughter still attributed my talk as the turning point in her life. Her daughter told me that she would always have me to thank for her career.

I am not taking any credit or responsibility for her talent or her choice, she merely heard the words she needed at the right time in her life. The point I am trying to make is that you never know when you are going to make an impact on an individual or how much of an impact you have made.

I know for me it was a teacher in high school, who believed in me and taught me to believe in myself. She died of cancer a few years after I graduated. However, I went back to the school to visit her several times to let her know how much of an impact she had on my life, but I am sure she never realized how much I needed her encouragement at that time in my life.

You are surrounded by your own unique set of opportunities and examples everyday of your life. The problem is that sometimes we become so wrapped up in ourselves we forget that there are other people around. Lots of time we worry about what people are thinking about us, rather than what people are really thinking.

There is a thread that ties every person on this planet to one another; whether it is the fact that all of us need water to survive or something more personal like different emotional experiences. These experiences include anything from the trauma of childbirth (get ten women together in a room that all have had children and see if you can get a word in edgewise once the subject turns to childbirth) to the feeling of loss and separation over the death of a loved one. This is why so many support groups form, (you see them all the time in the newspaper no matter what town you live in) to share in whatever tragedy has happened to them. Joining a group makes people feel better for having shared the experience. It is also great to know that you are not the only person in the world that has gone through this particular experience. Hearing the way people cope with the tragedy often helps you cope with your own.

The love for humanity is not a love that is earned, it is your birthright, just as unconditional love from your parents is your birthright. In most cases it is a silent love that only manifests itself in times of tragedy, but it is a love that can be tapped into if each of us is willing to take time to nurture it. I call this a spiritual love, because it has nothing to do with physical or mental realities. Most of the people you feel this for are faceless and nameless and mentally your not even sure why you should care, but you can't shake the feeling. It is the same reason you cry at the movies or at a particularly sad television news report.

Let's change gears for a moment and talk about the love of inanimate things (such as your car, computer, diamond ring, or house just to name a few). Most people pay very little attention to this type of love because it gives very little conflict, other than the worry about losing or breaking the cause for your affection. It doesn't argue, become angry or expect anything out of you. This love is what I like to call the silent virus that affects the soul and can cause all sorts of problems on the all three planes.

There is nothing wrong with admiring beauty and wanting to possess it, as long as you understand that no one truly owns anything on this plane you are only renting it for a space of time. Nothing here is permanent, so enjoy it while you can and then let it go. I am not saying to give away a family heirloom or something you treasure, all I am saying is that if you couldn't walk away from anyTHING that you own without looking back, you might have a big problem. The solution to this problem is up to you, but frankly I don't think giving it away or selling it solves the problem. There is obviously a lesson to be learned from the object and sometimes just acknowledging the problem solves it. Only you know what will work, the point is work on it.

I once knew a man who was very intelligent and most of the time looked at life logically. This man bought his dream car a classic red porsche convertible. My husband and I were invited to a going away party because we were moving out of state. We were all talking and laughing, except for this man who kept running to the window every few minutes to anxiously look out. Finally I asked him what was going on? He told me that he felt very nervous about the car being parked outside because someone might park next to it or scratch it. I thought he was kidding. He assured me he wasn't. In fact, he went on to explain that he parked the car at home under his bedroom window, before securing the car alarm and covering the car at night. He didn't have a garage and was considering taking out the sliding glass doors in the back of his house so he could park it in the dining room. HELLO, do we have a problem or what?

You can laugh at this, but most people have something they feel that they can't live without to some degree or another. The degree is the important factor. This is more than just a small problem it can be spiritual hell, literally.

On the physical plane of existence everyone whether young or old has heard about ghosts. Whether it was stories handed down from generation to generation, books or movies. What most of these stories don't tell you are what exactly a ghost is and why it is on the physical plane. Ghosts are spirits, just like you and I, except without a body. Now there are good and bad ghosts, just like there are good and bad people. There are many names given these spirits and people are generally afraid of them, but that is because they don't truly understand. There are many reasons for spirits to exist on the physical plane. Some of them are here as spirit guides to help mankind. Others are here to learn a lesson they were unable to grasp when on this plane, but most of the spirits that man will physically encounter are stuck here.

I will only touch on this subject for now, because I don't want to stray off the main focus. The only reason I am talking about this at all is because of the danger the love for physical objects can hold. These spirits were once like you and I with bodies. For some reason, and these do vary according to the different circumstances, these spirits are stuck here with us, but without bodies. They have no idea how to move on and this has become their world. It is not a happy place, mainly because most of them are alone and all there is to keep them company are their memories and watching your life.

If they were taken before they were ready, say in a tragic accident or murder, they could be stuck here until they can work through their hurt, fear or anger. Sometimes spirits who are murdered won't leave until their killer is found and brought to justice. Other times it is a freak accident and they find themselves outside of their bodies with no way back in. These are very sad because they follow their bodies around until they are buried and then go back to the accident sight and relive the accident over and over in their minds. This can take a long time unless someone comes along to help them.

The saddest and most tragic cases are those attached to an object. It could be anything from a diamond ring to a house. This person loved it in life and can't stand to be parted from it in death. They follow the object around always seeing it, but never being able to touch it or possess it. They watch others enjoy it, but they are unable to stop them from touching it. I don't know about you, but I think that this hell is worse than anything the bible ever described. Others get attached to people in the same way and can't stand to leave them.

As you can see any attachment or love that holds you to this world is a trap. You came into this world alone and that is the way you will leave it. Enjoy what you create while you are here, but be ready to let go of it and walk away when the time is right. The decision, as always is up to you, but remember the warning and always be on the lookout for this kind of attachment.

I am going to tell you one very real personal experience regarding the danger of this and then we will move on. Our family when my husband was transferred by his employer to Washington, D.C. We arrived and lived in a furnished apartment while we looked for a house to rent. I had a dream (as you can see I am not an easy person to live with) about the house that we were meant to move into. We had our choice of a tri- state area; Virginia, West Virginia and Maryland. All three states were within commuting distance for my husband. Every night after he got home from work we would all immediately pile into the car and start house hunting. We must have spent at least three to four hours a night driving around looking at the houses I had called on during the day. Each time my poor husband would look at me and say "is this the right house?". I would only shake my head and we would move on. He took it a lot better than our two teenagers who were getting very restless to say the least. Finally as the third week approached, with all of our patience starting to run a little thin, we found the house on an island in the middle of the Chesapeake Bay.

I knew the moment I saw the house that it was the one meant for us. It was an old Victorian, two stories (plus an attic that you could use as a third floor) tall that was nestled in the historic district of town. The house itself was over ll0 years old. The rent was very reasonable and when I walked in the front door I immediately knew why. The house was filled with spirits and I felt them the minute we walked in. The landlady was very nice, and more than a little eager to rent.

We later found out that the house had been on the market for quite a while and no one from the island or surrounding areas would rent it because of its reputation. The realtor who had listed the property had come to take a picture of it and caught one of the ghosts in the upstairs window on film. The story and picture had been published in the island magazine and that was enough to make the house unrentable to the island people.

When we were getting ready to sign the papers the landlady, who was really a dear person, actually started to confess about the ghosts, but I stopped her and explained that the reason I was renting the house was because of the spirits. She seemed relieved and we moved in. I made immediate contact with the spirits to find out what I was dealing with. It turned out that there were l3 ghosts living in the house. They had been coming home from a party in their wagon during a bad thunderstorm and the creek rose; the wagon broke apart and they all were drowned. Later I found out that the wood that built the house had come from a bad flood and literally had floated to where they used it to construct this house. Now it all made sense. They weren't stuck to our house because they had lived there, rather because the house was built with some of the lumber salvaged from their wagon. Some of them had wanted to move on, but they were a very religious little group and their leader was scared and felt that they were only safe as long as they stayed together.

They never caused us much trouble because we communicated with them. However, every night they would go to the attic through the door in my son's room and every morning the door would be open. At first my son didn't mention it because he thought we were playing some sort of sick prank on him, due to the fact that he was scared of ghosts. After one week he finally was at his wit's end and told us enough was enough for us to stop messing with his mind'. We were all shocked and had no idea what he was talking about. This poor kid at night was moving things in front of the door; first a chair and finally in desperation the dresser, but every morning when he woke up the item was moved and the door was standing wide open. We convinced him to leave the door open and not worry about it, and even he got used to the ghosts. There were other incidents but never done to frighten or harm anyone, and the only people who got freaked out were those that were visiting.

It took a lot of time and talking to help them all move along. The last one to go (no big surprise) was the leader. He was negative and angry, but finally the idea of being alone and seeing that the others were okay helped him to go too. When we left that house there wasn't a ghost in sight, although I am sure that the house will never live down the reputation.

I have had other experiences with these kinds of spirits and been able to help most to move along, but I don't think you want to be caught in-between waiting for help just because you couldn't bear for your sister Agnes to wear your mother's diamond necklace.

The only other point I would like to make on this subject is the danger on the physical plane. I cannot tell you how many people have died on this planet fighting over possessions or money. It happens everyday and will continue to happen. If you want to hear about someone dying because they fought with the robber who was going to steal their wallet, just turn on the evening news. Other people kill themselves because they can't stand the loss of possessions. During the great depression educated men were jumping out of windows to their deaths because they had lost everything in the stock market. There are people who live behind bars in their own home surrounded by guard dogs and electric fences, (is this home or jail) because they are afraid of losing their possessions, or their lives because of their possessions. There are others who literally will not leave their homes for fear of being robbed.

Before we talked a little about sex, but now I want to talk about the love of sex. There are people who love sex; it is to them what bungee jumping is to others. Most of us have a healthy appetite for sex when we are young and it begins to taper off (even though when we are young we never believe that it will) as we get older. I did not say that older people don't want sex, just usually not as much or as often. Usually these things are taken care of through hormones and they just naturally happen. However, sometimes things get screwed up as in anything else and either for physical or psychological reasons these people can't live without sex. Unfortunately, when this occurs it is generally not the person you are in love with, but the act itself. Don't underestimate the power of these feelings; that would be your first mistake. Like anything else if you are not controlling your urges you are being controlled.

If you and your partners are happy with the arrangements then I am sure we are all happy for you. However, if you find problems arising after the act; such as guilt, shame, confusion and unhappiness I would say it is a lesson needing to be learned and now is the time to do something about it. Acknowledge what you are doing and why you are doing it. If it feels good fine, if not let it go. Honesty here can make all the difference, with yourself and with your partners.

Now let's take a look at love on the mental plane. This love is interesting and comes in many forms; anywhere from being attracted to someone because of their mind to needing a constant mental challenge. Most people, especially those thirsting for knowledge love a challenge and need to succeed. They don't understand that this is a very real love and because of that when others aren't challenging them, they challenge themselves, constantly making the challenges harder and harder.

At some point in their lives they will suffer burnout as a result of this constant stress (if they don't die of a stroke or heart attack first). If you look around you will see that examples are everywhere. Most truly successful people are not working any more for the money, because they have plenty to live on for the rest of their lives, but for the thrill of the deal. Once again that adrenaline gets flowing and they don't feel they can duplicate that feeling any other way.

Along with this high roller type of lifestyle comes the escapes; drugs, alcohol, gambling or any other variance that will take them away from the stress they seek out. It is a vicious circle that once again can only be brought under control through; l) acknowledgment; 2) analyzation of the situation and 3) control on the part of the individual.

Do you see a pattern emerging. In all of these things control is essential, but can only be gained through acknowledging the action and investigating the pros and cons of the situation, then change. Only you can change you. I would also like to say here that you will not succeed every time. If it was that easy then everyone would be doing it, right? Don't be discouraged the times you fail, for those are the times that you will learn the most valuable lesson. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and whatever you do don't allow yourself to cop out and quit learning. No matter how advanced you are, we all have moments.

I would like to take a moment now to talk about a kind of love that is usually broadcast to the subconscious, the love of feelings. Everyone wants to feel something and in our society we are taught that the only scary feeling is not being able to feel anything. It's the subliminal messages we get on billboards, magazine ads, television, radio and packaging. You know what I'm talking about, think about it for a minute. The advertisers know that it sells and hoodwinks the public into buying. It's the kind of advertising that makes you think that if you buy a certain pizza the Red Baron will materialize and have dinner with you. How about the Jeans commercials, or underwear, cars, cigarettes, the list goes on and on. The reason these commercials do so well is that people are subconsciously given the impression that if they buy these products they will have the same feelings as the people in the commercials.

Then we have the people who drink and take drugs to get high because they like the way the alcohol or drugs make them feel. Most drug addicts can tell you that the first thing they got hooked on was the feeling.

There are people who feel superior by belittling others and live their lives doing just that. Of course, no one wants to be around them, but they feel the only reason for that is because people are jealous of their obvious superiority. I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture. What I am saying is that all of these feelings are temporary and feel good because they mask other problems that need to be dealt with and the lesson learned, but as long as you are feeling good why should you change anything. It is kind of like the old saying "if it ain't broke why fix it?"

The love of feelings can be dangerous because it causes you to avoid reality and your actions as a result generally hurt other people, which causes you bad karma. Examine the feelings you love; jealousy (some people think they aren't loved if the other person isn't jealous), anger (some people carry this one around like a shield to protect them from the world), possessiveness/obsessiveness (this one is pretty obvious we have all seen people who couldn't be apart for three minutes without the other person being glued to them physically) and the list goes on and on. Examine yourself to see if you use these feelings on others just because it feels good and you love the feeling. Some people just like a good drama because their lives are otherwise boring and the rush they get from the excitement is kind of like the adrenaline rush performers get. It is the same reason that we have people literally challenge danger when they don't need to, just to feel this rush.

There are people who have chosen to make a livelihood being in danger; most rodeo events, race car driving, horse racing, trapeze artists, mountain climbers...and the list goes on and on. Then you have people who only do it for recreation; dirt biking, skate boarding, surfing, bungee jumping...once again an endless list. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with any of it, as long as the person understands the reasoning behind it and has worked through all the repercussions. Once again there is no right or wrong, it is all up to the individual. However, anything used to escape the prime directive is damaging to you; if not physically or mentally, then spiritually.

There is, of course, the other end of the spectrum; people who have lost the challenge of their job, but instead of changing or looking for something new stay day after day, year after year, hating what they do but afraid of change. These people usually end up bitter and resentful, because they too are using their security to escape living.

We all have doors opened to us during our lifetime that will enable us to learn the lessons we need to work on. The decision is always up to us. Consider each door an adventure through your journey of life and view each problem as a learning experience, rather than your lot in life, and you will do well. This may sound easy, but I find it rather difficult when I am going through the everyday routine of living. I constantly have to remind myself that I am a spirit inhabiting a body, and this helps me to put things into perspective.

Remember there are always two sides to everything, the good and the bad. The good is easy to take, but the bad can make the good better. Imagine how boring life would be if you were to wake up every morning to sunshine and 75 degrees; never hotter, never colder, never rain or wind, just 75 degrees. Well the weather holds only a small impact on your life and yet it would make life rather miserable. That should allow you to understand how life would be if everyday was the same, what we had always thought of as perfect (imagine whatever you feel the perfect day is) and this went on 365 days a year, year after year never changing. Change can be a great friend, but it rarely comes without conflict.

Love can be the most wonderful feeling you will ever experience, on the other hand it can be the most painful feeling you will ever experience. However deep your capacity for feeling good is, you have exactly the same capacity for feeling bad. Every feeling has an opposite feeling, which you are just as capable of feeling. The difficulties perpetuate when you allow yourself to forget the good feelings, just because your experiencing the bad ones.

People can become depressed, even suicidal, over love. The main reason for this (and there are many) is that they have forgotten their intense joy when it is replaced with intense pain. The joy was easy to feel, there was no reason to have to work through it so, we tend to just ride the wave and enjoy it. However, when the pain hits it is time for introspection and analyzation (which is what needed to be done all along even while riding that wave), but by now it is much more difficult and we don't want to face the hard work it will take to take control of our emotions and deal with our feelings. Instead we tend to try to ride out the wave of pain, hoping that the other person will change, so we don't have to.

I am sure we have all used the quotation "time flies when your having fun", on the other hand time truly drags when your depressed. How about, "smile and the world smiles with you, cry and you cry alone". The key word above is time. It is the great equalizer and healer of all pain. Even if your just riding out the wave time will make you feel better, and just as surely as you feel bad today, if given enough time you will feel good again. This all seems to come in cycles. The problem is time is not always a helper; because the problems are going to hit again when the cycle comes if they are not resolved. The problem does not lie with someone else, but with you. This is your lesson and no one else can learn it for you.

Most people that I have talked to have contemplated suicide at one time or another in their lives, usually during a very low period (almost always because of relationship problems). Let me clarify; I said contemplated not attempted. It is normal at some phase in life to think about death as a way out when you are emotionally upset, but most people either get help or realize before they do anything how quickly emotions and circumstances causing emotional upset can change.

Before I finish this chapter I would be remiss if I did not mention an emotion mistaken for love very often, especially among teenagers, (if we are lucky enough we outgrow it by the time we are in our 20's) but for those who are reading this that are young and for those that are still young at heart, let's talk about it for a minute.

The emotion I speak of is infatuation (sometimes referred to as jumping hormones). It is one of the most intense feelings of either immense pleasure or pain depending on where you are in the relationship. It starts out with a feeling of butterflies in your stomach. When you are around this person your mouth is dry, it is hard to breathe and for the first time in your life you can't think of one intelligent thing to say, which doesn't matter you can't talk because your lips are virtually glued shut. Once you break the ice and find that this person is as attracted to you as you are to them (if you are lucky) then the courtship begins.

Emotionally you are a wreck. You can't eat, sleep or think about anything but the other person. You find yourself in class or at work doodling their name on your notebooks. If you are a woman (and I am so I know) you practice writing your name as Mrs. Wonderful (fill in the blank because I am sure your guy is Mr. Wonderful). You can't get enough of each other. You write notes to put on their car when you can't be with them. You meet for lunch when you can and spend every waking moment either on the phone or with the person. It doesn't matter what you say or do as long as you are with the person. Just sitting staring into each other's eyes is a great treat. You are sure this is love and you and they are the only two people in the world who have ever felt this way. Friends and relatives don't understand, and when they try to tell you that your seeing too much of this person your sure it is because they are old or just have never been "in love" the way that you are.

I don't know why, but all of us seem to think that we live on an island within ourselves and totally forget that their are others out there of the same species who are having all the same experiences we are experiencing. Eventually, usually not at first, this relationship leads to sex (depending if it lasts long enough) and then finally dwindles down as the hormones settle down.

I know that this is a real hard one, but once again all the same rules apply. Acknowledge what you are going through and call it for what it is; this is infatuation. There is nothing wrong with that word, not everything is love. If we acknowledge feelings for what they are then we are less confused, and when love really comes along you will know the difference.

Infatuation is not a lifelong commitment, so accept that from the beginning and it will cause less disillusionment. Analyzing might seem to take the edge off of the intense pleasure feeling, but it will also take the edge off of the pain, which will come as sure as the sun will shine.

We have now talked about several different types of feelings that are referred to as love and about love itself. If you get lost between paragraphs it will be because we have changed quickly to another type of love. I only wanted to generalize and did not take each as far as it could go because we will be hitting these same emotions (everything is interconnected) in the other chapters and we will go more into detail at that time.

Now is the fun time, the time for you to do your homework and experience this for yourself. Good luck, and I hope you learn a lot.

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HOMEWORK;

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For this chapter I would like you to pull out your journal and every night work on the relationships you have had in the past, working up to the ones you have now. Make different categories for different relationships; family, friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, humanity, etc.......

Take time to write down the ones you feel are love relationships. Write down the positive feelings for that person and the negative feelings. Then write down what you can do to change the feelings you have for this person to enrich the relationship and solve problems. Remember I am not telling you to write down what you can change about this person, because you can only change yourself. No cop outs, write down what you can change about yourself, then do it. Once you change the way you look at the relationship and act toward that person you have changed the relationship without them doing one thing. This puts you back in control of yourself and will improve the way you feel about yourself and the other person.

No cheating, this is a big assignment and if you do it right could take quite a while, depending on how many people you love. Spend at least two weeks working on this, then go on to the next chapter, but not before you complete the assignment.