"HATRED"
I found myself having to search for this chapter.
Usually the next chapter hits me in the face as I start
going through the emotion that has been chosen as the
topic for the chapter. It gives me an instant refresher
course, and helps me to explain best (first hand) about the
feelings, because I am actually going through the emotion
as I am writing about it.
This book has basically written itself and, therefore,
everything has progressed in a sort of chronological order.
However, this chapter is a little different. I realized that I
was getting toward the end of this book, with probably
only about 3 or more chapters left, and didn't know which
emotion would be next. After carefully analyzing previous
notes, I realized that hatred' needed to be talked about.
I have only experienced a true long lasting
relationship with this emotion once in my life (I am happy
to say), so it has not popped up this week. I have,
however, now that I think about it, come into contact with
people this week who are still having an ongoing
relationship with this emotion. I will, therefore, draw from
my own personal experience, and theirs', to explain the
need for control of this emotion.
I have touched on this emotion in other chapters, but
since it is such a strong emotion, and many people live
their lives motivated by it, I feel it needs a special chapter
all its own.
Let's start out by looking up the dictionary definition of
the word hatred. In my thesaurus the definition of
hate/hatred is; abhor, despise, detest, loathe, malice,
malignity. It also states that the antonym is love and
charity. I did not make up these words, although you have
seen them in other chapters. Even the dictionary states
that the opposite of hate is love. It only stands to reason
then that this is one very strong emotion. I do not believe
that you can have this strong of an emotion without having
felt the opposite side of it about the same person, or thing,
at one time or another. In other words, I believe that to
hate someone you have to either love them, or have the
propensity in place to love them.
Let me explain what I am getting out in a little
different way. I may not like someone, maybe I met this
person for a brief period of time and found their
personality to be offensive and annoying. Therefore, I
merely realize for whatever reason, that I don't like this
person. I don't give that person a passing thought
throughout my life, other than perhaps to avoid being
around them whenever possible. They have no influence
over me, or in my life.
Now if I have a relationship with a person I liked, but
find that they have changed and I don't like who they have
become, my feelings are stronger. I will probably go out
of my way to avoid this person, and stay out of their
company. I find myself disappointed and frustrated with
the relationship, because it is not the way it was, and
choose to keep this person out of my life. This person
has a little more influence over my life, because now I am
consciously keeping them out of my life. By doing so I am
actually bringing them more into my life than they were
before. I am watching for invitations to places where I
might run into them. I am staying away from gatherings
that I would otherwise attend, because I don't want to run
into them. I am probably venting my frustration over this
life change of mine by complaining to others about them,
and my feelings toward them. Come on, I know you
recognize this one. We have all had relationships with
people like this, usually romantic relationships, where both
parties ended up with the same friends. One of the
couple usually inherits' the friends (generally the person
that knew these people first) and then sets about feeling
strange going to events without the other person.
This is still not hate, but a growing dislike. It is growing
because I am having to change my lifestyle to
accommodate my feelings. This person now has very
little to do with my growing dislike. They are probably
unaware of it. However, it is very real to me and I am
feeling it in my life, especially if they are a relative, or if we
have the same friends. Now my friends and relatives are
also feeling it, but they are feeling what is coming from
me, not the other person. They are noticing that I am not
accepting dinner or party invitations. They do not care
why I am not coming, only that I am not coming, and
missing out on the previous relationship I had with them.
We all have been stuck in this situation at one time or
another I am sure. Whether it was instigated by us, or we
were just the unwilling participants with others.
To say the least this is as uncomfortable for the
people surrounding these two as it is for the actual
parties. It is a definite nuisance in your life, but still very
manageable and not thought about all the time, in fact,
maybe only a few times a year.
Now we move on to where we all have probably been
at least once in our lives, in hate'. I believe, and many
will probably say I am wrong, but this is my belief we are
talking about so I am going to state it anyway, that you
cannot hate someone you haven't loved at one time or
another. I do not believe that an emotion this strong is
nurtured from a mere acquaintance. This does not mean
that I don't believe that you can hate the actions of
someone you don't even know. In that case, however,
you are hating the actions, rather than the person. We
have all done things out of character that is not truly who
we are, but more because of the set of circumstances we
find ourselves in at the moment.
I hate pollution by big companies. This does not
mean that I hate the president of the company that is
polluting, or the company itself. I hate the impact on the
environment, and the greed that has caused it.
Most people who have had love relationships have at
one point or another hated the person they loved. This
generally doesn't last long, and only goes to further
emphasize my point. However, the most hate
relationships one will find will be those of failed
relationships. These can take up ones life, and are
difficult to deal with, because whether the person feeling
the hate realizes it or not, they love the person as much
as hate them. Does this seem confusing?
It is quite simple really. For every emotion there is an
exact opposite. We are as good as we are bad. We have
the propensity for bad as well as we do for good. I am
sure you have heard before that as good as someone can
be is as bad as they can be. This is literally true. Don't
pretend it doesn't exist, because it does. If we pretend it
doesn't exist, then we are only giving it the opportunity to
arise and be uncontrolled when we least expect it.
Realizing that we have this propensity toward the dark
side in each of us, helps us to acknowledge it and keep it
under control. Ignoring it, or pretending it does not exist,
gives it an opportunity when you are most vulnerable to
rear its ugly head.
One of the ugly heads of this dark side is hatred.
Make no mistake about it, this emotion can destroy you
faster than the person you feel it for. When you start to
understand that the person you hate has control over your
life because of this hatred, maybe that alone will give you
a new perspective about this emotion.
Many people throw the word hate around freely, and
often mistake it for dislike. There is a radical difference,
just as there is a radical difference between like and love.
I hate my hair, really means that I simply am not happy
with the hairstyle, cut or texture of my hair. I don't truly
hate my hair, just dislike the way it looks, feels, or both.
How many times in a day have you used the word, or
heard others use it, in similar contexts? There is an old
cliche that states familiarity breeds contempt. In this
case, being too comfortable with the word can make the
true meaning very misleading.
The way to solve problems, and learn lessons in our
lives, is simply to dissect our words from our true feelings,
and get to the bottom line. Once we do this, we find that
the bottom line may have nothing at all to do with the
emotion we initially were working on, and more to do with
not understanding our feelings. For example, if I say that I
hated my college psychology professor; that is a pretty
generic phrase (at least if you have hung out with college
students at anytime in your life). The truth is, perhaps I
disliked him because I felt he was unfair, too difficult, a
jerk or a myriad of other reasons. The facts are, that I
probably didn't know him well enough to ever hate him. I
may have disliked his methods of teaching, or even his
personality, but hate never really entered into the picture.
I think you are probably starting to follow where this is
leading. I believe that when we get right down to it we will
find that there are very few people in our lives that we
have really hated, or continue to hate. This emotion
(unless a person has a psychological personality disorder;
which I never rule out) is used towards someone that has
really gotten to us in one way or another. Maybe we don't
recognize that we have ever loved them, but I can
guarantee you that the potential for loving them is there if
the circumstances should ever change.
Hatred is something we are going to go through and
talk about. However, if you learn to control your anger
and diffuse it, then you will also learn how to cover all your
buttons and hatred won't even be a remote possibility.
This chapter is really for those of you who already
have old hatreds that have been festering and need to be
resolved. Generally speaking, most people do not
actually hate the person' but rather the actions of the
person. These actions do not encompass the whole
person's personality. As we have seen, there are
opposites for every emotion, and our personalities are
much more complex than most people realize. Just as
there are opposites of each emotion and action, there are
opposites to each side of our personality. The person you
feel has done you wrong and is evil, can also do as many
positive acts and be good. The part of the personality you
obviously have run into is the negative, and after running
into this (already having this strong of an emotion it can
be a pretty safe bet), you have not looked for any other
side to this person's personality.
The easiest and fastest way (and only way that I
know of) to get rid of old hatreds is to start dissecting
them, and examining them under the brightest flood light
you can find. Negativity does not do well under bright
lights, and tends to crawl away into the dark recesses of
our minds. Throw a light on those dark recesses and
things will appear much different.
For instance, in my own situation. I hated my brother
because I felt that he undeservedly got all the love and
attention from my family. It seemed to me that whatever
he did got him praise, and no matter what I did produced
words such as you can do better'. More was expected
out of me, and I could not understand why. This started
out with love, anger and then resentment building up over
the years into hatred.
Tearing apart my hatred I found that it started out with
sibling rivalry, which is a very normal situation among
siblings. It built into a resentment, because no matter how
good' I tried to be I was given no praise or positive
strokes for my behavior. My brother, on the other hand,
was given positive strokes for just breathing, at least it
seemed that way to me at the time.
Looking at it, I began to realize that my brother had
been given the short end of the stick as much as I had.
He was not encouraged to do better, but accepted for
whatever he did. As a result, he never set his goals very
high, because it wasn't expected or encouraged. I am
sure that he got the impression that he was an incapable
person, and that no one had any faith in him. Feed that to
a child long enough and there will be no self-esteem or
ingenuity left. I guess that is what is meant by killing
someone with kindness.
Now looking for blame, which was my next step. Was
it my brother's fault for seemingly basking in the praise of
my parents and grandparents? No, he had very little to do
with that. Was it my parents fault for acknowledging one
child, and virtually ignoring the other? No, they were older
when they had children and were clueless as to how to
deal with children and their differences. What they saw
was one child that everything came easily to, and another
who appeared to have to struggle for everything. Throw
into that a life-threatening disease, and you have the
basis for a nightmare, with no one to blame, just all
involved in the scenario.
There were lessons for each of us to learn in this life
play that we chose for ourselves. I became self-reliant,
self-confident, and very independent. My brother lacked
any self-confidence or ability to set and attain goals. He
believed he was dumb because he was never expected to
be bright, therefore, he didn't ever meet his potential. He
became dependent on others, and seemed to have a fear
of being alone. My parents, too late, realized that they
should not have raised children late in life (this is not to
say that it is wrong for everyone, just that it was not the
right decision for them). They did not ever understand
children, and later in life as I got older my mother and I
became friends. We never had a true mother/daughter
relationship (or at least what I perceive one to be), in fact
as she became older our roles reversed and I took care of
her.
As you can see, once I got to the root of my problem I
quit laying blame, and started sorting out what my feelings
were. As a result of this sorting I realized that I never truly
hated my brother, only what he represented. To me,
growing up he was my nemesis. I blamed my relationship
with my parents on him. I felt unwanted, unloved and
unappreciated by my parents. At first when I was young I
did what so many children do, and that is blame myself.
For some reason I must not be good enough for them to
love and want. On the other hand, my brother did me a
favor by proving to me that being good had nothing to do
with it.
Unfortunately, however, I took the blame I had for
myself and transplanted it to my brother. For if I was not
good enough, then surely he was not good enough,
therefore, it must be his fault, because he had somehow
hypnotized them into loving him and not wanting any more
children because he was so bad.
This sounds petty and childish, but that is because it
was. I was a child feeling these things. These feelings do
not miraculously go away just because we reach
adulthood. They have to be dissected, reasoned with
from an adult perspective, and resolved from that
perspective, rather than the perspective of a child.
I realized that my whole family had problems. In fact,
if things had been brought out in the open back in those
days, we would have probably been called a dysfunctional
family. I don't believe now that my parents would have
ever had children if it hadn't been expected, and pushed
upon them. Back when I was a child not having children
was a disgrace. It meant that something must be
physically wrong to prevent conception, or you must
psychologically damaged to even contemplate being
selfish enough not to want them. Children were the
ultimate goal in life for a husband and wife, and women
stayed home and took care of the children. My generation
was the first to openly and blatantly leave the home to go
out and work full time. In my mother's generation women
working outside of the home were few and far between.
Once I sorted all of this out, I realized that I don't hate
my brother, in fact, I felt sorry for him. His life has not
been a happy one, because he has been unable to get
over the role our parents played in his life. He will have to
learn his lessons on his own, but I have learned mine.
The hatred I had for him ate me up inside for many years.
I did not want to see him, hear his name, or even
recognize the fact that I had a brother.
Once I got over this, and attempted to become his
friend, I found that I did not like his personality. I no
longer hated him, nor blamed him for my childhood
problems. However, I honestly realized that no matter
what it was that shaped his personality, it was not one that
I liked. I am not angry with him, nor do I hate him, but I
really have very little contact with him. There is an
understanding between us now, however, and we both
realize that we love each other, but that we truly have
nothing in common, other than our bloodline.
We were raised by the same family, however, we
both went in totally opposite directions with our lives. By
telling you all this is to illustrate that just because you stop
hating someone does not mean that you automatically
become their best friend. However, it does mean that you
don't get angry every time you hear their name
mentioned. It means that you don't create scenarios in
your mind as to how you would like to get even' with them
for past wrongs. It means that you don't say nasty things
about them to others and malign them.
It does mean that you have resolved whatever conflict
led you to this place in the relationship, and dissipated the
hatred. It means that you have covered your buttons, and
that they will never be able to push them again, because
you will know what to expect and how to control the
emotion next time they try. However, it does not mean
that they won't try to push your buttons again. Once again
you aren't changing their feelings or their personality, you
are only changing your own perspective.
It also means that as you go down the path further
what you find out is that you love all people, whether they
are good or bad. I know that most of you reading this
probably think it is a new-age crock and sappy sweet.
However, new-age thinking (I'm too old to be new-age,
and I don't like titles because they put people in boxes) is
nothing more than old-age thinking with a new title.
Think a minute about watching the news. We all do
this, or have at one time or another. A story comes on
about some animals that have been mistreated. Perhaps
the owner moved away and left the animals with no food,
water, or way to get out. When we read or hear this story
our hearts go out to the animals. People stand in line to
adopt these animals and help them. When they are
standing in that line they are not concerned as to the
personality of these animals. They do not have any idea
as to their disposition, whether it is good or bad.
However, that does not stop them from opening their
hearts, and their homes, to these animals. The same
holds true for humans, sometimes it is just harder to see,
maybe because we are all so much alike at heart. If we
see' that someone is having a hard time, and there is an
opportunity for us to be a help, most people will help. The
problem usually comes in showing the need for help, and
being sure that the help is going where it is needed, rather
than making some con artist rich.
We don't know' the people we are helping, nor do
we ask whether they have good or bad dispositions. We
are helping because the need is there, and we are able.
This is a form of love, whether we want to put a label on it
or not. It is a love of humanity. The same people who
have a great love for animals have that love for humanity,
it is just that some are afraid to show that love because of
some past pain caused by humans. You see, it is easier
to support and help animals because we hold them
responsible for nothing. If they are mean, they are a
product of their environment. If they are cowardly, it is
because of their environment. We are more than willing
to cut them slack and work with them, because we don't
hold them responsible for their behavior. We are less
sympathetic and understanding with human beings.
Partly because we know within that we ourselves are
capable under the right circumstances of the same
behavior, and the same predicament. This can also
trigger a deep seated fear that we may not want to face.
I have had many people complain to me about the
love humanity seems to bestow on animals, but not on
one another. We each love one another, and most
people would be right there to help if the need arose.
How many of us wouldn't grab a person from in front of a
speeding car if we were standing right there, and it was
within our power? We don't necessarily need to know this
person, because this is a reflex action that we don't take
the time to think about. Our love is built in, but sometimes
we have dig it out because we have buried it for whatever
personal reasons we might have.
Now there are people that I have met, and been
related to, that I just don't particularly like. I don't hate
them or dislike them passionately, but just don't
particularly care for their personality or perception of life. I
don't hate these people, but I don't like them either. It
doesn't mean that I don't love them. We can love
someone without liking their actions. You see, even the
person with the most disagreeable personality has an
opposite side to that personality. You may not see it, but
it is there, just waiting for the right moment to come out.
The good news is, once I learned about my hatred
and discovered that the only person I was truly hurting
was myself (as usual) I simply quit. You say, that is
easier said than done', but actually it is just that simple.
You see, once we understand something we have
removed the fear, and once fear is removed we can look
at things in the light of day. When light shines brightly on
something there is no room for darkness, and hatred is
one of the darkest things I know of. When we hold on to
the hatred we stunt our own growth. It is hard to grow with
something festering like a sore within. There is no healing
as long as the sore is kept open, and until we reason with
and dissipate the hatred, the sore is open and infected. It
will infect all that it touches spreading its disease. The
one that is affected the worst by this disease is the carrier.
Letting go of this hatred does not mean that you have
lost anything, but that you have gained enormously. I
don't think my brother ever knew the extent of my hatred
towards him. He knew I didn't like him, but had no idea
the extent of my feelings. You see, the only people who
truly care about what we are thinking and feeling are
ourselves. You say, but my loved one cares. I hate to
burst your bubble, but your loved one cares because it
concerns them.
Let me carry this a little further because it sounds
calloused, and it is not meant to. The other day my son
was sick. He had terrible stomach cramps and was in
great pain. I had empathy for his condition, yet it did not
affect me in the same way it was affecting him. I was
feeling sorry for him, but he was feeling the pain. Feeling
sorry for him did not mean that I was suffering, nor did it
stop me from eating, or going about my daily routine.
What it did do was send home to me the fact that we each
must learn our lessons alone. We can be surrounded by
those who love us and wish us well, but no one else is
going through our circumstances with us. I did have it
within my power to help him, and alleviate his suffering
with healing, and this I did. However, this simple illness
brought home a lot of other things. What we go through,
even though we all go through basically the same lesson
plan with varied modifications, we go through alone. It is
helpful to hear insights from those who have gone through
it before us, and comforting to know that we aren't alone
and will come out on the other side. However, the fact still
remains that we go through it alone.
I will never forget my labor delivering my first child. I
was in the labor room and it was storming outside. I was
looking out the window between contractions and I was
thinking; everyone outside of this window is going about
their business, and I am laying here in the greatest pain I
have ever experienced. Somehow, it seemed
unbelievable that I could be in that much pain, and yet the
world went on as if nothing was happening.
I have sat and watched as both of my parents died
(at different times), marveling at the same thing. I sat
there thinking that the world was going on, and after their
passing would continue to go on. I still had to worry about
feeding my family and buying groceries, yet how could I
when my parents were dying before my eyes. It is meant
to be this way. It is neither right nor wrong, just is. When
we each pass from this earth, the only thing that will
remain of us are the memories that others have of us.
The paper won't stop printing, television won't suspend
broadcasting and you will be lucky if people will take off a
couple hours from work to attend your funeral before
settling back into the daily routine. I am not saying this to
be cruel, just stating fact so that you can put your feelings
into perspective. Your feelings are important to you. In
fact they should be more important to you than anything
else in your life, as they make up who you are. If you are
in control, or not, is very important when you look at it this
way. Even one moment spent hating someone, is a
moment spent giving up control of yourself.
Be careful not to lull yourself into a false sense of
security. Not all hatreds are out in the open and sensitive
to light. Sometimes they fester, and we don't even realize
they are still there. Then all of a sudden someone shines
a bright light on them, and we get a split moment of anger
and recognition. I know for myself that I could go weeks
and months without ever even thinking of my brother, and
then someone would mention his name and all the old
feelings and thoughts would be right there, just
underneath the surface where I thought they had been
buried. I learned to live with my hatred I guess you could
say. I buried it in an unmarked grave thinking out of sight
out of mind'. Well, guess what, I didn't truly bury it, but
carried it around with me everywhere I went.
Everytime I saw my mother hurt in later life because
of my brothers inattentiveness, out came the indignant
hatred. I never said that we didn't have good reasons to
hate. My reasons were almost righteous (how I can laugh
at myself now, but then it was anything but funny). I made
my life miserable, and probably hurt my mother more than
my brother did by constantly reminding her of what a
inconsiderate son she had. I thought I was doing this to
protect her, and let her know that his neglect of her was
not because of her' but because of him'. I was only
kidding myself. I was trying to make her see him in the
same light I was seeing him, and had been seeing him all
my life. I wanted her to hate him as much as I did, and
then maybe she would love me more.
It was pitiful, and yet no one could have told me that
at the time. I was the good' child always being there,
always taking care of things, always being reliable and
dependable; all the things that I could prove my brother
was not. My mother was a very dear, patient woman who
suffered silently. She did not agree nor encourage my
rampages, but patiently listened and tried to calm me
down by defending my brother (which of course only
made me more adamant). When this failed my mother
always had a way of changing the subject, which worked
more times than not.
I am not telling you all of this so that you can judge
me, or my stupidity, because I have already done that and
then straightened out the situation with my brother and
mother (luckily before she died). Why I am telling you this
is to demonstrate first hand how easily hatred can fool us,
and lull us into thinking that we are justified to hate
because we have just cause. There is no good or
justified' reason to ever hate anyone. However,
sometimes when we are in the middle of a situation it is
very difficult to look back and see this. Maybe, just
maybe, if you can see where I was a small glimmer of
acknowledgment will take place and you will be able to
understand that all of us have been there at one time or
another. No one can get you out of this situation, or
control this feeling, but you.
This does not mean that my brother never made me
angry again, because he did. However, I can honestly
say that all hatred was, and still is gone. I still don't
particularly like his perspective, but it is his perspective
and not mine. I don't have to live with anyone's
perspective but my own. Learning that has helped me
overlook a lot of things, that before I couldn't have let go
of. I also learned that what my mother thought of my
brother had nothing to do with what she felt for me. As a
parent I can truly appreciate this.
Anger, however, is much easier to control and
dissipate than hatred. What this book is attempting to
send out as a message is not that once you conquer and
control these emotions you will never have them again.
That is ridiculous. Of course you will have them again and
again, and those who say they don't are just in a state of
denial. What this book is sending as a message is that
you can learn to control these emotions on a daily basis.
Not just for the big things that come up in your life, but for
the small things that go on day in and day out and tend to
wear you down. Sometimes the small things are worse
than the large, because they tend to go on and on, where
the big things blow up and then seem to go away.
By taking care of all the little things as they happen,
we learn to have control when the big things come about
and they don't seem nearly as large. By controlling anger
and dissipating it you have removed hatred from your life.
You can't hate someone you don't stay angry with, think
about that a moment.
Let's talk for a moment about other types of hatred.
There are hatreds for different animals, or inanimate
objects or events. Most hatreds of this nature are
surrounded by fear.
First of all we will address the hatred of different types
of animals. Some people hate dogs, others cats, lizards,
snakes, giraffes, etc. Some people hate horses, cows or
just large animals in general. By going back and finding
out when this hatred first started we will find the cause.
Something traumatic usually happened concerning the
animal that you hate, and as a result has caused you to
hate the entire breed. Fear is usually at the base of this.
Either you were hurt, or in fear of being hurt, either
physically or emotionally. The only way to control fear is
to face it, and overcome it. That may mean petting a dog
that you would otherwise have not gone near (be careful
to pick a dog that you know is gentle and not one that is
going to instill more fear).
You will not get rid' of fear, as it is a constant
companion to all of us. It is as built in to our inherent
personalities as the need to love and be needed. Fear,
like all of the other emotions we are talking about can be
controlled, but not eradicated. There is no reason to
eradicate something that you control. Fear in the proper
context is needed. It is our red light and protects us from
putting our physical, as well as spiritual bodies, in danger.
However, like most things, when this is taken to extremes
it works against us and can actually put us in danger.
If you are afraid of horses, go pet one. You don't
necessarily have to ride one, unless that is a great fear
also. What you are basically doing is proving to yourself
that there is really nothing to be afraid of. Now I didn't say
for you to find a bucking bronc to prove how brave you
are, but a gentle horse at the riding stable should do the
trick. Once you have faced this fear, there is no need to
go out of your way to find a horse, but then again there is
no need to avoid a horse should the circumstances bring
you in contact with one.
For instance I was born into this life with a fear of
heights. From the time I was young I stayed away from
ladders, slides, trees and anything else that put me off
the ground'. When I got older I realized this was a fear
and faced it. It did not go away, but I don't stay away from
things I enjoy because of it. If it is necessary for me to fly,
I fly. I prefer not to, but have been back and forth across
the United States more than once on a plane. I don't go
out of my way to find new challenges, but I don't avoid
them either. If my hotel room is on the 6th or 16th floor
that is fine. If I have to cross a bridge that spans four
miles, I do it. This does not mean that I have eradicated
the fear, just that I have control over it, rather than it
having control over me.
Hatred of events usually comes with traumatic
memories of those events. For instance, some people
hate Christmas. They don't truly hate Christmas, they
hate the memories it brings. I don't believe that anyone
could truly hate the spirit of Christmas. I am not talking
about what the merchants and advertisers have made
Christmas appear to be, which is all commercialization,
but the spirit of giving and being one. It is a beautiful
sentiment that I only wish could be carried throughout the
year, instead of just once a year.
By facing whatever the reasons are for your hatred of
an event, and putting your memories to rest you can
change your perspective totally. Just remember, it is your
perspective and you are the only one that can change it,
good or bad. This type of hatred will eat you up, as much
as hating a person. The sad part is that with this type of
hatred we usually have some self-hatred involved for
feeling this way. It is a never ending circle, but we each
have the power to change our circle. Do not think that
your hatred of an event, especially Christmas, does not
affect other people. I have met more than one scrooge in
my life, and their family's were not happy during the
holidays because of scrooge's attitude.
If you hate Chinese Restaurants, find out why. If you
hate dolls or boats or cars, etc. get to the bottom of it.
Face the fear and then control the feeling.
Don't try burying the hatred, after all it hasn't worked
after all these years, so what makes you think it is going
to work this time. Don't be afraid to face it, or think it is
not worth putting the time and effort into. First of all, this
is something that you have been carrying around for a
long time, and if it hasn't killed you yet, it ain't goin to.
This is not something new that if you open the lid is going
to jump out and bite you. It is something that has been
lurking in the shadows. Once you bring it out, shine a
light on it and expose it to the air, you will see that it is not
as bad as you previously thought. In fact, you might find
that you see it totally different, especially if the trauma
happened as a child rather than an adult. Memories have
a different light when looked upon from an adult, rather
than child perspective.
Secondly, it is definitely worth the time and effort,
because you will be spending much more time and effort
avoiding and thinking about your hatred then you will
pulling it out and dealing with it.
Memories are a strange thing. They get distorted,
embellished, and generally changed' after we keep them
for awhile. We tend to add on, take away, and generally
rearrange them to suit whatever our perspective is at the
time. Once again if you doubt this just share one with
someone who was there at the time of the event. You will
find that your memories of the event were much different
than theirs', sometimes even down to what was worn, said
or the time of day. I have found this to be true over events
that just happened, so imagine what it can be like over
events that happened 20 years ago (whoa, remember that
far back, I have slept since then....).
HOMEWORK;
1. Make a list of all the people you hate.
2. Make a list of all the reasons you hate these
people.
3. List the positive things that have come out of
this hatred, and then the negative things.
4. List who got hurt the most because of this hatred,
and why?
5. Do whatever it takes to set things right for
yourself. Remember this is for you, but don't
cop out. If you need to talk to that person for
things to be right, then call them and do it.
Whatever you need to do to dissipate the hatred
do it.
6. List all the inanimate things you hate in your
life. This can range from events, to a particular
sweater. Use the same formula as you did for the
people' and dissipate the hatred.
7. List any other hatreds you have. This can be
for animals or other life forms. Follow the same
formula as above and dissipate it.
8. Last, and most important, make a list of all the
reasons you hate yourself at times. This does
not need to be an ongoing hatred, but one that
is always at the back of your mind and changes
to different times and circumstances. This can
range from hating your hair, body, lack of con-
centration, inability to succeed at something,
feeling of inaptitude with relationships or work
related......., etc. Follow the same formula and
dissipate the emotion.
This may all seem long and complicated, but take
one step at a time and you will see how quickly it goes.
Sometimes by getting rid of one hatred' we have gotten
rid of many at once. Most things are interrelated. Do this
for yourself, you are worth it. The only person you hurt by
not taking care of this is yourself, so quit punishing
yourself and get on with your life.